Life & Love of the Tormented

Chapter Forty Four

  Matt presses his body hard against mine. I can feel his cock hardening between us. Things have started to heat up slowly and even though I'm fighting against my own thoughts of Carter, I'm slowing getting into it.

  His index and middle finger snake the waistband of my g-string before they dip under the lacey fabric and in between my folds. He rubs them over my clit twice before pushing deep into me.

  I let out a sharp breath.

  Guilt floods over me entirely.

  I quickly grab his wrist and pull his hand away from between my thighs before breaking our kiss and moving from underneath him and off the bed.

  I walk over to the window and peer out over the garden.

  Fuck. I really can't do this.

  "Are you okay?", Matt asks as he stands and moves to stand behind me. He places his hand on my shoulder, "Was that too much?", he asks.

  I shrug his hand off me, making it drop to his side.

  Fuck.

  "I'm sorry...", I begin, "I just can't...".

  There's a long pause between us.

  "I can't do anything...", I turn around to look at him. "Not the 'with benefits'", I say using air quotes. "Not anything that isn't JUST FRIENDS...".

  I turn to face the window again.

  "I... I'm... well... I'm in love with Carter...", I admit out loud.

  Woah.

  "I'm so sorry", I say dropping my head...

"Oh..", Matt says, his voice completely defeated.

  I turn away from the window to look at him again.

  "I really thought this would be the best way to get over him... But I just... I just... I can't...", a single tear rolls down my face.

  I'm in love with Carter and I've done nothing but push him away and cause absolute carnage to destroy everything we have... Including our friendship.

  What the fuck have I done?

"It's okay", Matt says wrapping his arm around my shoulders and kissing my forehead.

  "Thank you", I say hugging him back.

  "Still friends?", he asks breathing into my hair.

  "Of course", I reply, "Only if you want to be...And thank you for understanding".

"Did you want to go grab some lunch?", Matt asks.

  "You really still want to hang out with me after everything?", I ask confused.

  "Yes?", Matt says pulling me away so I'm at arms length. "I'm not a complete pig", he laughs. "As I said, I like you. You're an awesome chick. I'd want a friendship regardless of all the other shit".

  I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding,

  "I'm glad", I say smiling, "You're pretty awesome yourself".

"Oh I know that", Matt says acting conceded, flipping his hair like some preppy, self absorbed female.

  I shove him in the shoulder.

  "And modest as well? Wow! What a lucky bitch I am to become friends with such a gem?", I laugh, rolling my eyes dramatically.

I take myself to the ensuite to get ready. Pulling on fresh underwear, a plain white tee and a spaghetti strap swing dress over top, finishing my ensemble with my doc marten boots.

  I straighten my hair, dead straight as usual and apply a full face of makeup, ensuring to add black winged liner to my lids.

"Ready", I say inwardly to myself once I've applied a dark purple lipstick.

When I renter my room Matt is laying down on my bed staring at his phone screen.

  "You finally ready Princess?", he says sarcastically without pulling his eyes away from his phone.

  "Princess? I wasn't the one flipping my hair", I say laughing.

  He sits up, tucking his phone back into his jeans pocket.

  "Shall we?", he asks pointing at the door.

  "Yeah, let's go, I'm starving", I reply, grabbing his hands and dragging him to his feet.

—

"So what are you going to do?", Matt asks before dropping a fry into his mouth.

  "About?", I ask.

  "About Carter?", he continues.

  "Oh".

  There's a pause while I try to gather my thoughts.

  "Well?", he presses, "You can't keep your feelings to yourself. You have to tell him!".

  I know Matt is right but I don't know how I'm going to be able to do that. Especially after everything I've already done.

I clear my throat before I speak.

  "I really don't know Matt.. I've fucked up so much. I told him I didn't love him simply because of how terrified I am because I do love him", I sigh out loud.

  "Well that doesn't make fucking sense does it?", he asks throwing a fry at me.

  I laugh dodging it, "No it fucking doesn't.. What the fuck do I do?".

  I put my face in my hands. I'm at a loss.

"Don't ask me! I have no fucking idea. I haven't done a serious relationship since I was like twenty one... And that ended sour, as did the one before that. Maybe call him? Start there?", Matt suggests.

  "You're so right! I'll just call him and be like, 'Hey forget everything I did to hurt you and make you feel like shit... Oh and guess what!? I do actually love you, let's try again!' As if he's going to accept that!", I say sarcastically and rolling my eyes.

  "Shut up idiot! The least you can do is just try to call him... Then go from there", Matt says, so full of relationship wisdom.

  "But what if he doesn't answer or doesn't want to talk to me?!", I say, panic appearing all over my face.

  "Deal with whatever comes when and if it comes", he says while reaching across the table to rub my arm.

  "You're right", I say breathing out another sigh, this time one of defeat. I know what I have to do to fix things between Carter and I and I'm terrified because I have to risk being rejected. 

  The entire drive back to my place I'm in my head. I'm anxious that I'm about to call Carter.

  Oh god I hope he answers.

  When we pull up to my place Matt stops at the end of my drive way and doesn't drive down to my house. He picks up my hand and kisses it.

  "Good luck. You know where I am if you want to talk okay?".

  "Thanks Matt and I'm sorry about everything."

"Don't stress, we're only meant to be mates and I'm cool with that", he says smiling and nudging me playfully in the shoulder.

  "Cool and hey, thanks for lunch", I say as I get out of the car. "Bye!".

  "Is he the reason you don't want to be with me!?"

  What the fuck!?

  I look up toward my house, past the tall bushes and in the direction of my front door, searching for the voice I just heard.

  I take a few steps forward to get a better view.

  "Carter?"...