Life & Love of the Tormented

Chapter Nine

  Once I'm dressed, have washed last nights makeup off my face and have fixed my hair to an acceptable level I leave the bathroom with my half filled coffee in one hand and Carter's shirt in the other. I approach Carter's room and put the folded t-shirt on the end of his bed before walking down to the kitchen.

  Part of me wanted to keep the shirt but I know after today I need to cut ties with Carter Schmidt. If we see each other after this it'll only be because he's my mates brother. Nothing more. No private coffee dates at the beach, no late night visits, nothing! Even though the sex was probably the best I've ever had and he's burnt his way into me like no one else ever has... He just sees right through my facade. I fucking hate it! And I hate him! I'm trying to convince myself I do anyways...

  "Hey Emo Kid", Ben says with a laugh as I take a seat on a stool at the breakfast bar. He hasn't moved since I went to get dressed.

  "Hey Fuck Face", I reply.

  "What's wrong with you?, Didn't you just get laid?", he asks with a dramatic shudder.

  "Can we please not talk about the fact that I just slept with your brother", I whine.

  Ben laughs, "Yeah good point... I don't want to know. But seriously what's up dude?", he sets his phone down and turns his attention to me.

  "Nah, nothing, I'm good... Hey did you want to come to a gig with me on Saturday?", I ask trying to change the subject.

"Who's playing? Is Taya going?", I roll my eyes at the mention of my best friend.

  "No Taya isn't going, she has a work dinner with all the managers from her firm. It's just a local emo band, 'Blood Winter' I think they're called. They're not too bad. The bass player is kinda hot", I shrug...

  "Yes, because that is going to convince your straight male friend to come with you?", he replies, his words dripping with sarcasm.

  I laugh, feeling my mood shift. "Don't knock it until you try it", I say with a wink and a little laugh.

  "Yeah I'll come".

"Really?"

  " Yeah...There a party after?", Ben asks me.

"I'd imagine there would be", I shrug again.

  "Did you want to invite Carter? He's pretty keen on you aye", He asks me hopefully.

  "No thanks dude", I say dismissing the idea.

  "Ouch! Is my brother not a very good lay Amelia? ... I mean I'm not really surprised that I'm the twin who was gifted the 'great in bed' gene but still, he's a nice guy...", Ben tries to joke.

  "CAN WE STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS PLEASE!?", I almost scream.

  Bens pissing himself laughing. I guess his disgust in the matter doesn't out way bringing it up at my embarrassing expense.

  "I just don't wanna hurt him...", I say bringing the mood down again. Ben nods in agreement, he knows I will. He's already seen me do it to plenty of other guys and we've only been friends for a short amount of time.

  The apartment door opens right at that moment and in strolls Carter with a brown handled paper bag and tray of takeaway drinks in hand.

  "Hey Guys, what's up?", he asks casually as he approaches the breakfast bar and places the bag and the tray in front of me.

  "Just chillin'", Ben announces while immediately moving to rummage through the bag looking for his regular bagel with avocado and cream cheese. I just smile and don't say a word.

  Carter approaches and leans over to kiss the top of my head. I move away quickly, dodging the gentle display of affection and drop my head.

  God I'm a bitch.

  I can see Carter is hurt but he quickly brushes it off before turning to grab my coffee for me. He hands it to me and places a brown paper bag, which I assume is a croissant on the bench in front of me and asks if I'd like sugar. I nod and reach to take 2 sachets from his offering hand. Our fingers touch.

"Thank you",

  "No worries".

  For the next 15 minutes we sit and eat making small talk until Ben clears his throat, "Right I'm off, I only have a half day today so I'll be home around 1pm", he grabs his back pack and heads out the door.

  "Cya!", Carter calls out.

  "I better go to", I say standing and gathering my phone and keys.

  "You don't have to go... did you want to stay for a bit? Maybe watch a mov..", Carter asks.

  "I actually have heaps of shit to do today", I lie.

  "Oh okay, well let me walk you down to your car".

  Ahh fuck.

  "Sure".

  The elevator ride down is a little awkward. There is so many words unspoken between us.

  He walks me outside toward my car, "Amelia", Carter starts as he comes up behind me. I turn around and look at him, my eyes are drawn directly to his beautiful blue ones. "Last night was amazing", he says as he tucks a stray hair behind my ear sending electricity down my neck, "I just want to know more about you", he leans down and kisses me. It's gentle and sweet and so fucking perfect. Fuck.

  I pull away, stopping the kiss sooner than either of us want.

"Look, Carter, I don't like to open up. There's things in here", I point to my head, "Dark things, I don't want you to have to deal with that".

  He responds quickly, cutting me off.

"But I want to Amelia, I want to know everything... because last night... I felt...".

I cut him off before he says something too stupid.

"Look Carter, you're a really sweet guy and last night was great, you're great...", I watch his face sink, "But...".

  "But what?"

"But last night...", I pause to search for the words I'm trying to say. Mainly because a huge part of me doesn't even want to say them.

"Look I don't do relationships. And even if I did, you're too nice for me. I'm so beyond fucked up, I'm a fucking mess and well, last night... last night was just two strangers... having sex...".

His bright eyes seem to have disappeared and in their place lay a pair of dull, sad ones. Fuck I've hurt him... They now resemble the pair of eyes that I am all to familiar with, the pair that I look into, in the mirror, every morning...

"Was that really all it was to you? Because it felt like...".

He's hurt and angry, I cut him off again, don't fucking say it Carter.

"What else was it meant to be? A connection?", I've become defensive, I mock what I know he's trying to say. I do it because I know he's right, I felt it, the 'connection' but I just can't let myself get too close and now I'm hurting him... already and this is only the first day, that's why I have to stop it here! I'm trying to save him from me because I can't save myself...

"I've only known you a day!", my words taste like poison in my mouth and I see them hit him as if they were a bullet. It breaks my heart...

"Wow! Well if that is how you feel then you know what, fuck you Amelia!".

I feel sick and I'm angry at myself and the fucked up mess that I know I am. I keep destroying everything I'm in my path, and yet I can't seem to stop, so I open my mouth again, stupidly...

  "NO FUCK YOU CARTER!".

He's got his back to me now and he's almost inside his building, I get in my car and slam the door. I can't even think straight. I start the car and pull out of the parking space cursing myself internally for being a constant royal fuck up. I don't deserve someone like him...