Life & Love of the Tormented

Sixty One

  "Look Carter", I begin, "Do we really have to label it? Can't we just take it slow and enjoy the moment? I'm new to this...", I say, scared to disappoint him. I can feel panic slowly roll over me. I'm getting over whelmed. Why the fuck does he have to push? Labels is what fucked it last time. "I'm going back to The Bay tonight and... I want to be with you but I'm sorry labels freak me out and I just... I can't fucking do this Carter... I just don't want to fuck this up... fuck!", I'm rambling.

Carter leans over the centre console and kisses me, silencing my words.

  "Amelia", he says, pulling away and caressing my face in his hands, "It's fine, look I'm sorry. We will go slow, whatever you need. Okay?"

  "I'm sorry Carter but you're always going to want the labels and the everything and I'll get there but right now I just need us to go slow!", I shout. I can feel tears welling in my eyes and threatening to fall. It doesn't seem to matter what happens, I'm always fucking hurting or upsetting him in some kind of way. I'll never be good enough for him. He's too good for a mess like me.

  "Hey... ", he says forcing me to make eye contact again. "I just want to be with you, I'm not going to be seeing anyone else... Are you going to be seeing other people?"

  "No of course not!", I shout.

  "Then what's wrong?", he asks.

  "It just freaks me out. Every time I go all in and trust someone like that it always fucks up and I just need us to go slow. I'm new to this. I'm fucking sorry okay!? I'm still trying to work on myself and I'm just not there yet and that's a me issue... I understand if you don't want to do this...", I continue my rambling before running out of steam.

  "If you want to leave labels for the moment and just see how this goes, especially while you're away then that's what we'll do. I love you Amelia and I'm not going to give up on you", he says softly.

"I'm sorry I'm so fucked up", I say letting the tears fall silently down my face.

  Carter doesn't say anything and leans over again to kiss me once more. He deepens it further, pressing his tongue into my mouth and rolling it around mine. I can feel my core clench and my nipples harden at the thought of what we could do right now in this car. All thoughts and panic of this conversation have completely disintegrated.

  I pull away and rest my forehead against his.

  I need to go.

  The silence in the car is filled with us both panting and when I open my eyes, that are faced down and still leaking tears, I can see the growing bulge straining against the crotch of his jeans.

  "I should go...", I whisper.

  "Before I end up fucking you in my driveway", I say breathlessly.

  "That's probably a good idea", Carter says between breathes. "We have time to do that when you're home next", the smirk that follows me makes my cheeks flame.

  What the fuck? Why am I blushing?

  "I'll call you tonight when I get up to the bay okay?", I suggest as I begin to open the door.

  "I like the sound of that.", he replies smiling at me.

  I lean forward to give him one last kiss,
"Thank you for understanding", I say against his lips before turning around again and getting out of the car.

  "I'll see you soon Carter", I say through the open passenger window.

  "I'll see you soon baby", he says.

  "Bye"

  Carter slowly reverses out of the driving waving goodbye to Taya and Ben as I take a few steps toward the front door.

  "I LOVE YOU AMELIA BLACK!", he yells out the window.

  The colour drains from my face and part of me wants to yell some form of abuse back at him for being such an idiot but another part of me gets a rush of giddiness. I roll my eyes and burst out laughing. Even though I'm such a fucking cunt to him he still just wants to love me. How do I deserve him?

  "You don't really.", my conscience reminds me.

  Thanks...

  "BYE DICKHEAD!", I yell back as he enters the street and drives away.

  "What the fuck?", Taya says completely gobsmacked at Carter's very loud public display of affection.

  "What?", I ask trying to act as casual as I can.

  "What's going on? Are you two together? Is he your boyfriend?", she starts frantically shouting all kinds of questions at me.

  I push past her, "It's complicated okay?... We're meant to be taking it slow", I turn to face Ben, "See ya later fucker".

  "Safe drive up dude", he says before giving me a face as if to say 'spill the tea'.

  "Talk to your brother", I say rolling my eyes and entering the house.

  As I walk toward my bedroom I feel a sense of sadness. Why can't I just be normal? I know I love him but the fear of commitment I have after everything makes my head spin. Keeping him at arms length seems to be the right thing to do.

Fuck...

  Once in my room, I sit down next to my suitcase and start repacking it. I make a point of grabbing a few of my books and a couple of my favourite CDs to take with me back to The Bay.

There's a knock at my door.

"Come in Tay", I call out.

"Hey", she says as she enters my room.

"What's up?", I ask.

"You okay?"

"Yeah? Why?", I answer.

"Well... what happened between you n Carter?", she asks me.

I roll my eyes. "Lots happened".

"So spill!", she says as she sits down on my bed.

"Well we told each other we love each other...", I say, swallowing the lump that's suddenly arrived in my throat. "I want to be with him but I'm scared I'll fuck it up again or I'll end up hurt like when he gets bored of me or fed up with my fucked up mind.", Ive started to ramble again and tears are pricking my eyes. "We've agreed to take it slow... Try and navigate this together at a pace I can keep up with", I say as a few tears run down my cheek. "I love him but I don't know how to love without pain...", I take a breath", "He's agreed to no labels and shit for the moment and just to see where it goes... Am I setting him up for heart break?".

  "Okay...", Taya says as she search's for her own words. "I don't think so... but I think you need to keep being honest with him and if it gets to much or you get overwhelmed communicate that with him don't do stupid shit and if you can't see yourself moving to the next stage then you have to let him go Meels... He loves you and will wait for you but don't lead him on or you're just going to hurt him...".

  I know she's right. I'm going to have to try or he's going to end up hurt again and I don't want that. I just wish I could think normal and act normal and not be so anxious and fearful of anything good. I'm already so overwhelmed by being loved the right way and not the toxic way I'm used to. And I keep self sabotaging because I feel I don't deserve someone like Carter. I wish my mind wasn't so tormented and I could love him like he deserves...

"You can... Just try", my conscience whispers to me.

  "I know", I say unintentionally replying to both Taya and the voice in my head.