Life & Love of the Tormented

Chapter Eleven

It's around twenty past ten in the evening and Taya and I are sitting on the couch watching Sabrina on Netflix. She's got her laptop out, working as usual and I can't seem to concentrate on the episode that's on the TV. I keep thinking about Carter.

  Fuck.

  I really wish I'd never met him. He's fucked everything. I was quite happy being completely emotionally detached from men, just using them for physical entertainment. I've not given any man the power to know me... or hurt me... Not since the person who destroyed me. None of them seem to mind either. However none have tried to know me. Which has made me bitter and hateful. But I was still happy in my little hate bubble before Carter came along and fucked it all up!

"I'm off to bed", I say jumping off the couch. I feel antsy and need to get to sleep to quieten the madness in my head.

  "You okay Meels?", Taya asks, using the nickname she gave me all those years ago when we first met.

  "Yeah I'm fine".

"Hey, try not to over think this Carter stuff... But to be honest, it might not be so bad letting someone in...", she says, grabbing my hand and stopping me as I try to make my way out of the lounge room.

"Hah, I'm not, I'm just tired and have Uni tomorrow", I lie, "And you can't talk, you never let anyone in, especially guys!", I deflect the conversation and turn it back on her.

  "I don't have time for a relationship that's all, there's a big difference Amelia Jay Black! And you've never been big on opening u..."

  I cut her off by bending to hug her goodnight.

She hates being hugged.

"Can we not, please Tay, I just need to sleep".

  Taya hears my plea to end the conversation. It just wasn't the right time to discuss why I'm so emotionally fucked. Why I've always been so closed off and why I can't ever let another guy in.

"Okay, I'm sorry", she says. I reach over to pat Taya's American Bulldog, Whisper, who is curled up next to her, between the ears before standing up straight.

  "It's fine Tay... I just need to sleep right now...".

My best friend knows something isn't right and I know she's going to interrogate me about this tomorrow. She may be very apathetic towards men but to her friends... she'd stay up for 24 hours straight with one of them if we needed her. I smile at the thought of how amazing my best friend is.

  "Okay... well goodnight Meels, have a good sleep hay?", she replies with a half smile.

  "Thanks Tay, Love you", I say as I walk to my room.

  "Love you to Bitch".

  Once in bed I lay staring at the ceiling. I'm restless but not moving. I want to message Carter. I want to apologise for treating him like shit. My mind is racing 100km per hour, I can't shut it off. Thoughts of my past are simmering just under the surface of the Carter mess that is already consuming my brain. The mess that I caused as a result of the fucked up person I've become. I've suppressed so much for so long and knowing I hurt Carter because of it makes it threat to peak its ugly head and I'm to weak and exhausted right now to shut it off. I just want silence in my head... Silence and darkness of sleep... But it doesn't come...

  I feel like I should be tossing and turning but I don't think I've moved since I laid down, which honestly feels like hours ago. I finally gain enough energy to divert my attention away from the blank ceiling. I roll over and pick up my phone; 1:12am. Eh, it was hours ago, just not as many as I thought. I'm starting to spiral and I can't drift off because of where my head's at right now, I'm anxious and sad and irritated... But I know, when sleep finally consumes me, the nightmares will come. I can feel it.

  I'm overthinking and can't seem to let go of something Taya said earlier, "Maybe try being friends?". Could we even be friends? After last night? Would he ever speak to me after how I treated him?

  Before I realise what I'm doing I've already hit send, 'Hey, I'm really sorry for what I said to you. I had no intention of hurting you Carter, which is actually why we can't go any further than what happened last night. I would like to be friends though. Please try to understand. I truely am sorry. A x', I put my phone back down on my dresser next to me.

  I'm growing more anxious and instantly regret sending it.

What a way to try back track being a cunt Amelia.

He's probably asleep and won't even reply.

*Ding Ding*

What? Why is he still awake?

'Friends? Are you sure we can be "just friends?"'

He does have a point... I'm doing the best I can to turn off whatever I'm feeling for him. Just friends has to be easier... We'll see...

'We could try?', I send back.

*Ding Ding*

'I'd like that. Get some sleep. Sweet dreams Amelia', his response reads.

Fuck, what just happened?