Life & Love of the Tormented

Chapter Forty Nine

My body is aching and a kaleidoscope of memories from last night snake their way into my mind as I wake up this morning.

Wow... I wish I was still asleep.

My room is still fairly dark but I can see the sun is shining outside behind my blinds, just like the events from last night play behind my eyelids.

Bright and vivid.

What a fucking mess.

  I try to sit up but my injured body betrays me. My muscles are tight and my skin stings. My head is pounding and feels like it's about to explode. My throat and neck are more swollen this morning then they were last night and I can barely hold my head up on my shoulders.

  What the fuck was I thinking drinking and smoking like that? Then dancing on my bed.

Ehh... What a fuck head.

  I really am going to hurt myself if I keep doing stupid shit like this.

  Taya and Ben were right to book me a flight to send me off to Mum's. Even if I didn't agree with it at the time. My mental health really is declining again and I wish I could blame someone for such a negative shift... Carter maybe...? Well I wish I could blame anyone actually...

  But it's no ones fault.

  The only fault here is on me and how I've treated Carter and everyone else lately. How I've handled the deterioration of my mind and all the bullshit that's come with it as well. And honestly that has been far from great.

  I was given tools from my therapist a while ago to help when I'm having a low but I've neglected doing any of them.

I've neglected myself really...

Again...

Like usual...

I don't know why I'm so reckless with my life, my mind and my health? Maybe everyone would be better off without me...

"Oh you're awake", Carter says, giving me a fright and bringing out of my own thoughts. He's exiting the ensuite when my eyes meet his crystal blue ones. He's completely dressed and has adjusted his hair and looks like he's ready to leave...

He walks toward me and takes a seat on the edge of my bed.

"I didn't wake you when I was in the bathroom did I?", he asks as he tucks a loose strand of my hair behind my ear.

"No no, all good", I force out. My voice begins cracking as I try to speak and I start to cough.

Fuck this hurts. It feels like I swallowed the broken glass, not just land on top of it...

"Here", Carter says as he hands me a bottle of water from my side table and helps me to sit up properly to drink it.

I sip at the bottle slowly allowing the cool liquid to slide down my throat and ease the pain slightly.

"Thank you", I whisper.

He offers me a smile and before he speaks.

"Silly question... but how are you feeling this morning?", Carter asks softly as he wraps his arm around my shoulders, carefully caressing my aching skin as I get comfortable in his arms.

"I'm sore, I feel like an idiot and...", I take a breath and swallow as gently as I can being careful not to hurt my throat further. "I want you to know I meant what I said last night... I really do love you and I really am so sorry for everything."

  Carter begins to say something but I talk over him as I continue to let my thoughts spill out.

  "I've been trying everything to destroy myself and in the process I hurt you... a lot... and I guess I hope... I hope maybe one day... when the time is right... we could be together...?", I stammer out.

  He offers me a half smile in return to my confession before he begins to speak.

  "I love you to Amelia and I too hope one day, we can find each other again", he says before leaning down and kissing my forehead tenderly.

  "This feels like a goodbye is coming", I say, letting tears pool in my eyes.

  "It is", Carter replies, "I need to go before the lines get any more blurred". He kisses my lips gently before releasing me and standing.

  I'm at a loss for words suddenly... I wasn't expecting him to leave the moment I woke up. Deep down I know he has to go, but I still can't seem to form a word let alone a sentence because I also know this is our final goodbye.

  I'm terrified to let Carter leave this room knowing it could possibly be the last time I see him but I know it has to be done.

  "I wrote this for you...", Carter says handing me a folded up piece of paper. "Read it once I'm gone okay? I love you. Goodbye Amelia".

  It is the only goodbye we've had amongst this brief intense whirlwind that hasn't ended in destruction. It's gentle and calm... and almost healing. It's not easy by all means and my heart is breaking all over again but this time it feels different...

  Carter leaves my room without another word and even though I know this is what is best for us both, it hurts like hell to watch him walk away...

—

  After an hour or so of staring at my ceiling and letting the hot tears of our goodbye roll down the sides of my face, I pick up Carter's letter. I don't want to read it because it will make this all the more official but I need to...

  I unfold the piece of journal paper gently.

  His hand writing is scribbled across the page in blue ink and even though it's neater than I was expecting, I can tell at a glance he let his heart pour out through his pen while writing this...

  'Dear Amelia,

First off I want to say thank you. Thank you for coming into my life and turning it upside down. I didn't know I needed it until now. Thank you for trusting me and showing me the you that I know you've kept hidden from the rest of the world.
The you, that gushes about her mum, little sister and friends. The you that could sit and talk about photography all night, until the sun comes up. The you that loses herself in music and the lyrics of her favourite bands. That you... The real you... is the most beautiful, genuine and passionate human being I've ever met. And I hope in time you find her again and one day have the courage to show her to the world.
You see, our time together was short... too short in my opinion... It was full of passion and heat and a rage that has left us both with wounds that need time to heal. But it was also full of love... From the moment I met you I knew loved you... I was entirely lost in you and in some strange way I knew your broken heart belonged to mine. Our little time together taught me that everyone needs to be loved differently and that pain can't be fixed in a day... I also learnt that I can't love you and be with you until you learn to love yourself again... even though I am wholeheartedly, insanely, madly in love with you...
I hope you find peace with yourself and your demons. I hope you will one day value the amazing woman you are, like I and many others do. And I hope that one day, our paths will cross again... When the time is right...
Please be safe, be happy and be kind to yourself.
I love you Amelia.
Yours, Carter.'

  Woah. Fuck.