Troubled [h.s.]

17

Harry is sitting behind me, on the one-person couch, his one foot on his other knee, hands gathered in front of him, hooked up on some pain killers as I close the door to his room and walk up to him.

We came to the hotel, without another word, checked Rose then came here.

I hesitantly make my way on to the bed and sit on it, examining my nails and the bed sheets, not looking at Harry.

"Jesse? As in the your first love Jesse? The girl who broke your heart?" I ask while fiddling with my nails. Jesse was someone I admired and envied. She is cold hearted, strong, controlled and beautiful. She does not get played, she plays. I will always want that.

"Yes." Harry bluntly answers.

In the coffee shop, they were holding hands, staring into each other eyes. Harry has not denied once, he did not cheat on me even though he insists he loves me.

That girl in the coffee shop, matches Harry's description of Jesse. Long brown hair, brown eyes that are warm and will haunt me forever. A lipstick, put on to perfection and eyeliner wings so perfect and even, better than anything I accomplished my whole life. She was someone that you knew were confident, independent and captivating by her walk. Not chipped at her soul, worked and worn out like me.

"When we separated, running away... I made a few wrong turns, mixed up the way. It was close to two in the morning when I sumtbled and fell into this sidewalk construction. Nothing too big, thank god. I came out the pit and Jesse was there. With her friends, coming home from a club. She took me home, had me take a bath, gave me her boyfriends clothes. Then she kissed me. She just kissed me out of nowhere and I felt it. I felt the absolute void of loving someone else and the absolute beauty of kissing the person you love. She got mad, freaked out, I did not want her anymore, then that morning. She took me there for a last goodbye. When..." Harry looks away, his face showing no emotion, absolute blank with no show case of regret.

Something in me breaks and burns, then falls to the ground and flies away with the wind, the hate, for everything.

"I always knew..." I get up from the mattress and start pacing "That it was too good to be true. That it couldn't last. That life isn't like that, life isn't generous. You musn't love someone. You musn't become attached to someone. Life begrudges you like that. It takes everything away from you and it laughs at your face. It betrays you. Just like you betrayed me Harry!" I romp my feet on the ground then regret it when my arm sizzles with pain.

"I said I felt nothing. I just said that Jesse did not give me the feelings you gave me. I did not kiss her Skyler! She kissed me! And I love you. Dear god, I love you so much." Harry gets up from his seat and hovers over me, cupping my cheeks and kissing me suddenly.

I try to pull away at first but his lips are heavenly. I start kissing him too and tangle my free hand in his hair while kisses me vigorously.

I start to loose my breathe so I push Harry away for a moment. He stops kissing me and looks up to me with worried eyes. Terrified, I will reject him. I move my hand to the nape of his neck from his hair for some support before talking.

"I look at you, and I just love you, and it terrifies me. It terrifies me what I would do for you, how much of myself I would sacrifice." I search his eyes and his eyes show nothing but regret. Instead of kissing me, Harry pushes his forehead onto mine in order to make me calmer but shrieks and pulls away since his bruises still hurt. I can't imagine how much it hurts to kiss me with that busted lip.

I free my hand from his neck and he lifts me gently, then has me laying on my side. He gets to my back and spoons me while gently stroking my hair.

He gets that I am upset and he is trying to make me feel better and I appreciate that. Who does that? No one has ever done it to me.

"Its so fucking twisted you know. This whole 'love' thing. Like really? You fall in love and you literally fall. You crash to the ground and I swear to god, all your bones break. You're fucking shattered but you don't notice it because you got this beautiful boy whispering in your ear and kissing your neck and nothing else matters. But then he leaves and you suddenly feel it. You feel everything. And you are hysterically crying in the shower, trying to be quiet so your sister won't hear you and thats the only place you can be because thats the only place left that doesn't taste like him and your trying to hold your bones together but his old t-shirts don't work as a cast, wrapping them around your chest won't fix the craters in your ribs. Nothing stops the aching, even if you tell everyone you don't care." I whisper to the empty room ahead of me as Harry's arms tighten around me waist. He had me going to hell and back.

Growing up, I was always abounded. Always. No one, cared, took another look or even pitied me. I was over it, hated everyone and didn't expect anything from anyone until this green eyed fucker came around. He made me believe in humanity again, he had me believe in feelings and love again then he left me. Just like everyone else did.

One thing sets him apart though, he came back.

When Jesse mouthed me 'you lost', I didn't know where to place it. Then suddenly it was clear. I had lost Harry to her. Then it blurred again when Harry told me she did not want her. Now its crystal clear again, I lost a piece of myself. The moment I saw them together, my heart started breaking, piece by piece, making me feel every inch of damage done. All these memories flooded my mind and I lost a piece of me. A piece that made me, me. A piece I can never have back.

"I can leave if you want. I hurt you and I hate myself for that. I am sorry Skyler. I am so sorry." Harry kisses my cheek then backs away in the bed. I continue to lay on my side, not looking at him when a tear rolls down my eye.

"I just want someone to look at me and think 'she is my happy ending'. Not look for anyone else, be satisfied with who I am. I know your not Harry." If Harry truly wanted me, never gave a though to Jesse, he would come back to the hotel that night. He would get in a cab and get to me. He chose to stay, he chose to give Jesse a chance.

"If I could give you one gift, I would give you the ability to see yourself as I see you so you could see how truly special you are. I should have come to you after I saw Jesse but I didn't because I was tired and I am stupid. But you are everything I want, everything I need. I am in love with you and thats not going to change. You are my happy ending, you are my happy story." Harry kisses my cheek again and notices I am crying.

He rolls me over so I am on my back, facing him. He wipes my tears then kisses the stains.

"You are my world. You are my present and my future. I love you baby." He kisses my lips this time and I don't respond back as another tear rolls down my eye.

"You did great tonight. You saved both of our lives. You are my girl and you are my world. Don't forget that Skyler." Harry kisses me again, wiping the tears. I don't respond once again, instead I get off the bed, wipe my own tears.

"I need to sleep." I mumble as I walk to the door, holding my injured arm.

I close the door behind me and step onto the empty hallway. It strikes me that moment. When I saw him with Jesse, it was everything but the ordinary deal of someone leaving me. I thought I did not care, I thought I was used to being left. This thing, this feeling in me is everything but what I am used to. It hurts, stings and aches and also somehow makes me feel nothing at all.

Love, its fucked up. And me loving Harry, is even more fucked up.