Troubled [h.s.]

75

"I used to be more fun. Care free, never really this drunk, fitter and hotter!" I stumble through the hotel door at around six am with Jordan beside me.

He offered me a ride and I was shit faced to decline.

"I know Sky." He sighs and unwraps his arms from me.

"You smell nice." I sound like a thirsty little slut.

He laughs. "Well, you..." He stops and scratches his head "you smell like vodka."

I start giggling when he says that and find myself on the bed. Rose is not here thank god. I'll deal with her when I am sober.

"Happy 2015! This is gonna be a good year!" I joke and Jordan nods as he sits beside me on the bed.

"How bad is it?" He asks after he bites his bottom lip. I gulp and look away before answering.

"I am broke, madly in love and about to go to prison. Pretty bad." My eyes don't leave his and fear takes over his for the third time this night. He is afraid of me. I am afraid of me.

"I meant it as in how drunk you were." I gather my feet under me since they are cold and sit crossed legged, facing him.

"Oh." He starts playing with the skin around his nails and the lights from outside hit hits face in the most ordinary way ever. I remember looking at Harry and thinking how magnificent he looked, how exquisitely perfect he was. Jordan lacks that glory. Everyone does to me.

"Why do I feel like I should run away from you but I want to go?" He asks as he turns to me and puts his hands near my thighs. I almost want to back away when he gets too close. I wanted to fuck him earlier but now my skin burns with the thought of Harry and everything else feels wrong.

"Maybe you should run away. I won't bring anyone good. Harry tried to change that but boys who play with fire, get their fingers burned. He couldn't handle it after some time and ran off. Look what happened to me?" I smile after putting my hands up, pointing to myself. I get really articulate when I am drunk. I normally don't express myself this explicitly.

"How bad could you be? You are beautiful." He stares at me with wild eyes. He is so innocent. So pure.

"This is just a illusion. Jordan don't think those about me." He can't say that. He can't like me. I'll just burn him out too and I don't want to hurt him.

"You look like a good girl, just handled so wrong." His words give me flashbacks of the time I was on the streets. Maybe I could have been a decent human being, really beautiful, in and out, sane, smart.

"You can't change me." Harry changed me.

"Skyler I've learnt that no matter how bad things seem there is always hope. I've learnt that no matter how powerless we seem or how horrible things seem, we can't give up. We have to keep going even if it seems scary, even when all of our strengths seems gone, we have to keep picking ourselves back up and move forward because whatever we are battling in the moment, it will pass and we will make it through. We've made it this far. We can make it through whatever comes next." He puts both of his hands on my cheeks and slowly says this to me, letting me digest every single word.

I don't say anything. His words don't empower me, instead they make me feel like shit. If what he says is true, I am fucked. I have no idea what I will do if I get out this mental state. How can one be normal?

"Okay." I realize my lips are chapped when I say that so I lick them and Jordan removes his hands from my face. They were warm and I liked it.

"I am gonna go home. Sleep." Jordan says and gets up from the bed.