The bass of you

Chapter 50

When we get back, Chase goes straight into his room in a pout, with Bill following right after him before Chase has the opportunity to slam the door in his face. I'm going back to the room that I'm staying in, basically dragging my own feet because I'm so worn out.

Opening the room and stepping inside, I'm about to close the door when a hand suddenly thuds against it and prevents it from shutting. Flinching at the unexpected movement, I see Layla when I open the door wider. She smiles sympathetically, I return the same smile, then step back for her to come in and make my towards the bed.

Throwing my body effortlessly on the bed, arms flayed out bedside me, I stare at the ceiling. I'm so exhausted, especially emotionally. I had the scare of my life last night when I thought Chase was going to stay dead and there wasn't anything I could do to bring him back. This room feels like a safe haven for me right now. I feel like I can be protected from the reality of everything that's happened here, with just me and Layla, forgetting about the drugs, the booze, the heroin, the overdose, the deaths.

I need a shower, I need something to warm my chilly, traumatic body. Something to hug me and comfort me for a moment. Layla is going through her suitcase, pulling out clothes to change in to. I'm getting up from the bed, walking past her in silence, heading for the bathroom, when she suddenly grabs my wrist.

Looking at Layla, she stands up and hugs me. "Are you okay?" she asks with her head on my shoulder.

I mumble, "mhmm."

Layla takes her head from my shoulder and smiles again. "That was really brave what you did. I can't believe you were having a panic attack whilst trying to save Chase. I'm proud of you, Mon," she says softly. "But I want you to know that whenever you feel like leaving, I'm ready. I know how you're probably feeling now and I don't want you to be upset."

Pressing my lips together into a half-smile, I say, "thank you."

In the bathroom, I close the door and turn on the shower. Adjusting the shower to a warm enough temperature for me, I realise that I feel completely numb, I can't seem to feel anything. Taking off my clothes slowly, I then step in the shower, and stand directly under the water with my eyes closed.

After washing my body with soap and washing my hair, I open my eyes and stare at the steamed-up beige tiles in front of me. Then it all hits me like a boulder. The emotions smack me so hard that I collapse down in the bathtub under the water, pull my knees up to my chest, put my head in my knees, and just start to cry.

My heart is breaking, I'm emotionally damaged and traumatised by last night. It was awful. Devastating. Too much for me to handle. Chase means something to me, I don't know what, but he's important to me. He died, he came back to life, he died again, he came back to life. What the fuck is going on? What is this madness? This isn't my life. I don't have drugs involved in my life, or people I care about dying from overdoses. I can't cope with this. I'm not built for this type of stuff, no matter how much a 'saviour' everyone thinks I am. I've never had to deal with anything like this before.

I can't deal with this, I can't go through anything like that again. It's too emotionally traumatic for me.

After the shower, I head into the bedroom and quickly get dressed in a black top and a pair of dark-blue jeans. Layla isn't in here anymore and I'm glad because I want to be alone for a moment. Pulling on my converse trainers, I stand still for a moment, pressing my lips together, and entering a daze as I stare at the carpet.

My daze is interrupted by a knock at the door. I ignore at first, hoping that whoever it is will go away, tears trickling down my cheeks. Then they knock again. Sighing, I wipe away my tears, straighten up, put on a strong face, and head over to the door. I'm only now realising that my legs are shaky, and so are my hands when I reach out for the handle. Closing my eyes, I open the door, then open my eyes again and fake smile through my pain.