The bass of you

Chapter 54

It's 9 p.m. I'm home. I arrived home hours ago. I've chatted to my parents and Dyfan, I didn't tell them about hanging around with Black Dagger, and I don't plan to. I know my mum would be paranoid about what I did with them and she has every right to be. Everyone knows that if you hang out with a rock band, you'll end up doing some drug or another - and that's exactly what happened to me. Me and Layla had a conversation on the way home about how it was probably best to keep it a secret from our parents to avoid suspicious questions. So, instead, I told them that me and Layla did a lot of shopping and eating out. That we went to the museum, to the gardens, spent a lot of time in the hotel pool. Just a load of innocent rubbish that is nowhere near to the truth.

Layla is spending the night here, she thought it was best to keep me company after everything that's happened. I'm lying on my bed on top of the covers, lamp switched on beside me, wearing a grey vest top and black tracksuit bottoms. I'm watching Layla as she sits next to me, legs crossed, typing away on my laptop to search up funny videos of dogs and cats. She wants to cheer me up and I really can't wait to watch some funny videos. It's the same as always, back to the normal life of Layla always being around my house, or me over hers, watching funny stuff, getting up to no good, or having some sort of fun. Right now, we're just chilling. We need to chill after the week we've had with endless drinking, drug using, and barely eating. It feels odd to come back to this innocent, chilled life after everything we did in the week with the guys. 

Bill had arranged for a limo to take us to the car park of the hotel we were originally staying in. Once we got there, the limo driver helped us with our bags and suitcases to my car, then we said our thanks and goodbyes. Driving away from Cardiff was probably the hardest. I felt like I had walked away too easily, like there was something more I could have done. But I don't know what. I probably don't even mean anything to Chase, I'm probably nothing more than a girl he's picked up in another country and spent some time with. I'm not sure if there was anything little nothing me could do more for Chase, but I'm kicking myself for it if there was. It was devastating to see such a great guy be in such a tragic mess with heroin. I just wanted to turn off the next junction on the motorway and head back to Cardiff to see him. To see Chase.

I've got the red roses given to me by Black Dagger in a vase on my windowsill. I can't stop looking at them, they're so pretty, and they don't look cheap. I'm grateful for everything they've done for me and how they treated me and Layla. Sure : they did drugs, they gave us drugs, they supplied us with an endless amount of booze, we partied with them. They weren't dicks, they didn't push us into anything, they took us to nice places, they didn't treat us like groupies, they weren't sexualising us. They treated us as friends. Maybe Chase and Jackson treated us a little more than friends, but I'll just call that 'friends with benefits'.

It's hard knowing I'll probably never see Chase again, or any of the others. Even harder knowing I can't be around or even speak to Chase to offer him my support. That's how it though, isn't it? Girls like me, who have no status, no big boobs, no fame - we don't fit it into a rockstar's life. All we are - and all we stay as - are just passers-by. It doesn't go further than that and I respect that. I don't expect more. I've had my fun and so has Layla. We've gotten the once in a lifetime opportunity to hang out with some great people and it has been an extraordinary experience. That's all that matters.

Layla shuts the laptop, moves it to the side, and lies down. She rolls on her side to look at me. "Do you think Chase will be okay?" she whispers, staring right into my eyes, worry present in hers.

Sighing, I close my eyes and try to think positively. "I'm sure he will. He's got great band members to help him through this. I have confidence that he will. You're always reading every ounce of news about them, I'm sure we'll see something good about it soon."

"Yeah, I'll keep you updated. I always do. Do you think we'll ever see them again? Maybe at a concert, or something?"

"Hmm..." Getting up from the bed, I go over to my dressing table and stand in front of the big square mirror. "If there's a concert, I'll go with you again."

Staring at my reflection for a moment, I try to think of the answer I'm going to give. Then I look up at my bandana - at the beautiful painted sunset in the middle of the front with the initial of my first name in bold in the middle of the sun. I haven't taken it off yet and I don't think it's going to be easy leaving anywhere without it. I just want to wear it until I die. Black Dagger dug out a place for me in their group, even though I'm not one of them, but made me feel like I was. 

Smiling, I say, "I don't think we'll ever get to hang out with them again. They're big famous people, touring everywhere all the time, meeting all sorts of different people. We're tiny little fish in their big sea. But for what it's worth, I had one hell of a time."

And I did.

I really did.