Favorite Mistake

FM 35

We are in Alfred's car as he was bringing me home after our dinner. The short drive home was filled in silence, as the events of the past hours replayed in my head.

I stared at my left hand, which bore the evidence of the choice I made today. The ring is heavy in my hand, and I could feel it weighing me down, as if a constant reminder that I am now tied to him. I started to feel claustrophobic, the cold ring cut through my skin, like a noose on my neck.

I tried to steady my breathing as I felt a panic attack coming. Alfred noticed this and immediately parked the car.

"Hey, are you ok?"

I nodded my head to tell him yes, but my tears betrayed me, as it gushed on their own.

"Ly, what's wrong?" He took off his seatbelt as he tried to hug me, but I recoiled and leaned on the window to distance myself.

I knew I was acting like a total idiot, acting too scared to be touched by my fiancee. I closed my eyes as I felt the world turn around me-- we're engaged. I watched as Den ran away and I let her. By accepting his proposal, I have finally closed the final chapter in my life with her.

He straightened his seating position, and looked straight out unto the road. Hands clenched tight on the steering wheel, he tried to compose himself.

"This is about Dennise, right?" He threw a glance at me, and my eyes widened in shock at his question.

He closed his eyes as he leaned back on his chair, head raised up to try to stop his tears. I felt guilt at the obvious pain I am causing him.

"Ly, I know you're still in love with her"

"I'm not..."

"Please don't lie to me Ly. At least give me that." He took deep breaths but I could see that he was already crying. "I saw you that day.. I saw how you kissed her back with so much passion, unlike the way your kisses felt empty with me."

"I'm sorry" I covered my face as the shame of my indescretion came out in the open.

"I thought I could make you fall in love with me. I honestly thought that if I tried hard enough, then I can replace her in your heart, but I guess I was wrong."

"No, Alfred, I DO love you.."

"I know, but not in the way you love her. I've seen how you look at her as if she's the only one that exists, and how your laughter is filled with so much light when you're with her." He wiped his tears.

"I'm sorry if you felt pressured to say "yes"."

"I wasn't! I'll marry you Alfred, even tomorrow!"

He held out his hand to hold mine, as he smiled at me with tears in his eyes. "No, let's not do that. Let's not compound the mistakes that we've done and get into a marriage that we'll regret in the end."

"I'm not gonna lie, it hurts like shit and I really want to hate you now. But I can't.. I can't force myself upon you, if it means that I'll be taking away your happiness. I love you Ly"

"And I love you Alfred..."

"Probably, but not in that way. Love is supposed to be so huge that it consumes you. It's supposed to knock off the wind from you when your partner kisses you or even holds your hand. Things I know you never felt with me, because from day 1, you're heart was already taken by Dennise."

"I'm sorry..."

"I'll live" he gave me a lopsided smile.

"Let's make this easier ok? I'll be the one to break off this engagement, so that people won't put this against you. I'll just say I withdrew the offer haha"

I gently punched his shoulder, then I leaned my head against it. "Thank you for loving me Alfred. I hope someday someone's gonna love you the way you want to, the way you deserve to be loved."

"Do me a favor. Tell her never to let you go this time."

As he parked in front of my house, we had to take a few moments of silence. Until the end, he has shown me that he is a good man, and that he truly loved me. Loved me enough to let me go to find my true happiness.

"One last hug?" He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes.

I moved in to kiss him, for one last time. The kiss was chaste and quick. "Thank you for setting me free"

"Go now," he forced to smile as he unlocked the door "or I might change my mind and beg you to stay"

We both laughed bitterly. "Bye Alfred"

"Goodbye Ly"

I watched him as he sped off, as I cried for the pain that I have caused him for the sacrifice he has made.

------------

My feet had an added spring to its step as I entered the hospital the next day. I wanted to talk to Den immediately so that I can explain to her everything-- the engagement, the break up.. That I'm finally free to be with her. I rushed to her clinic, as I was yearning to see her and fix this trouble.

"Hi Merce! Is Dr. Lazaro in?" I greeted her receptionist.

"No mam, she already tendered her resignation, effective immediately."

I slumped on the benches as I felt my knees cave in and I broke down crying.