Favorite Mistake

FM 2

September 2008

21 days.

That's how long I haven't seen or heard from Dennise-- 21 days. 3 weeks. 504 hours. 30,240 minutes.

Such a long time to be separated from her. I miss her everyday. Before all of these happened, at least even if we don't get to see each other, we could at least call or message each other. We would even skype or video chat just to lessen the physical distance between us.

But now, 21 whole days of silence. No messages, no greetings. Nothing.

She told me to wait for her to contact me, because it will be too risky if we get caught by her parents. She told me to trust her, and asked me to hold on. That's all I have, a promise sealed by her kiss, 21 days too long ago.

"Hey, stop that!" I heard my roommate, Kim, call out to me from across our bedroom. I snapped out of my thoughts, and turned in my chair to face her.

"What?" I asked.

"You've been tapping your pen on your table for the last 10 minutes. It's driving me mad."

"Sorry, I zoned out" I apologized.

She sat on her bed and looked at me intently, "I've noticed. Care to share?"

I checked myself, am I ready to share this secret with any one else? I trust Kim, we've been roommates and teammates since freshman year. Here goes...

"Kimmy" I bit my lips. My heart was pounding out of my chest.

"Yah?!"

"Uhmmm"

She stood up from her bed and sat on my bed which is directly facing my study table where I was sat. She reached out to hold my hand, noticing how nervous I am. "Ly, we don't need to talk about it if you're not ready."

I took a deep breath to gather some strength and started to speak, "Kim, what if people tell you that something is wrong, but that something makes you happy, will you still do it?"

Raising my head a little to peek at Kim, I tried to gauge her reaction. She looked confused, not a surprise there comsidering how cryptic my statement was. Rubbing her chin, her forehead creased in deep thought, and then her eyes grew big in shock with realization.

"Oh my gosh Ly, are you doing drugs?!? Because I swear I will..."

"What?!? No!!" I screamed at her. Pulling my hair and rubbing my face in frustration, I stood up and started pacing around the room.

"Ok.. I meant, what if you know people would judge you for your choices, would you choose what makes you happy or what people say is right?"

She just kept staring at me in confusion.

"Kimmy!!! Help me out here ok?" I pleaded.

She raised her arms in surrender. "Ok, sorry. But can you cut the codes and hidden messages and just go straight to the point? You're making my head hurt."

I sighed again, this is more difficult than I thought. Sitting on the bed beside her, I finally had the courage to look straight at her. "I'm gay." There, I said it out loud.

People say that things aren't real for as long as you deny it to yourself. That, saying it out loud makes it real because then, you can't take it back anymore. That as soon as those words leave your lips, the whole world would change. Actually, you're still you, nothing has changed, but the world will see you differently from that moment.

"Kim, say something please"

She was quiet, as if weighing her thoughts on my revelation. "No you're not"