I didn't think much of it when he stumbled in late to bed that night. When I rolled over at 3 am, I saw his shadow moving through the darkness of our bedroom, the moonlight for one instant glinting off the ring on his hand. The floor creaked and squeaked under his weight, and I couldn't help but smile when the floor groaned in protest to his steps as he tiptoed into the adjoining bathroom. I heard the faucet run, and just sat in silence enjoying to the familiar sounds. Then I felt Nick quietly slip into bed behind me, and I could tell by his careful movements that he thought I was still asleep. I felt his arm slowly snake its way around my swollen abdomen as he pulled himself closer to me, and I felt my body relax as his breathing slowed. I gently turned, until I was facing him, and I snuggled up against his chest, breathing deep as his musk enveloped me.
He smelled of wood, leather, and the outdoors. But just before I dropped off to sleep, another wisp of a scent enveloped me- perfume. My eyes flew open when my mind registered the scent, and an image of the new girl working at the stables flashed across my mind. But as soon as that thought came to me, shame made my face burn.
But I saw my husband shooting her that grin that I adored.
I saw her hand resting on his arm.
I saw the lingering glances and the soft touches lead to something I never wanted to think about again.
I burned with jealousy, then with anger and hurt. I knew in the back of my mind that there was a slight possibility that I was over-thinking everything and jumping to conclusions, something I did a lot. But my anger ignored me and plowed right on, screaming accusations that bounded off the walls of my thoughts and buried themselves in my heart.
Not able to lie still any longer, I pulled myself from Nick's arms, jostling his sleeping body, and yanked on some sweatpants lying on the floor. I flipped on the lights in the kitchen after I closed our bedroom door. I winced as the light attacked my eyes, so I turned them off, and pulled the curtains away from the big picture window in the living room so I could look at the stars. I sat down in front of my view of the mountains and the valleys and started to cry. I felt the child inside me stir, and that made the tears come faster. How could he do this to me? Maybe he doesn't want me because I'm pregnant, I thought. Thoughts last 8 months of my first pregnancy flashed through my mind: my terrible morning sickness, bloating and cramps, mood swings, and weird cravings. I'm not beautiful enough, or good enough-
But I knew what kind of a man he was. I thought I knew who I fell in love with and who I married. My overcharged hormones heightened every emotion, and I wasn't even trying to be quiet now. I could hear my sobs echoing through the rafters of the house, but I didn't care anymore.
Then I heard Nick stumble out of the bedroom, wearing just a pair of gym shorts and rubbing sleep from his eyes.
"Sara? Are you ok?"
I couldn't look at him. I just held my head in my hands and sobbed.
"What's wrong? Is it the baby? Are you going-"
I shook my head. Then he was pressing tissues into my hands and sitting down beside me, wrapping his strong arms around me and pulling me close. His bare chest was warm and comforting, and for a split second, he chased my fear away. Then I remembered what I was doing out here in the first place.
I pulled myself out of his embrace and turned away from him.
Nick cautiously shifted his position on the floor beside me to put distance between us, and cleared his throat. "What the hell is going on?"
"I don't know Nick." I tried to steady my shaking voice. "What the hell is going on?"
He stared at me. "I have no idea what you're talking about!"
"Really?" I was getting angry now, and an hour of pent-up emotion threatened to overtake any rational thoughts I had left. "Where were you last night?"
"Are you serious?" He sighed, exasperated, and got to his feet, running his hand through his bed hair.
"Answer the question."
"So you don't trust me."
"My God, Nick!" Tears were spilling down my face again, hot hears of anger and hurt instead of loss, as I got to my feet so I didn't have to crane my neck. "Answer the question! Where were you last night?!"
He crossed his arms and glared at me. "I was at work."
"At 1 in the morning?!"
It was such an obvious vague answer that I knew he was hiding something. I turned away from him, clutching the couch in front of me for support. "Just go," I said in a strangled half-whisper. "Please leave me alone." I heard him step towards me, and I felt a hand on my arm.
I jerked away from him, from those hands that had held another woman. "I said get away from me!" I screamed through my tears.
I heard him take in a sharp breath, then his footsteps receded, and the door shut quietly. I heard him walking around our bedroom, opening up the dresser drawers. When he walked out of the bedroom, he avoided my eyes. His shoulders were tight, and his jaw was clenched as he pulled his boots on, grabbed the keys to our truck, and left out the front door.
I walked into our bedroom, and stood in front of the window facing the driveway, watching the the darkness swallow the man I loved more than anything in the world through a curtain of tears. I collapsed onto his side of the bed and buried my face in his pillow. As loss and fear crept over me, paralyzing my entire body, I opened my eyes to see the empty bed I laid in, and realized for the first time that, except for the child inside me, I was really and truly alone.
I stayed in bed really late that morning. When I finally did drag myself out, I went straight to the bathroom, where I started the shower and filled the bathroom with steam. I slowly peeled my clothes off my tired body, without looking down at the stretch marks and my swollen ankles before I hopped under the stream of hot water, and just stopped thinking- about everything. When the water started to run cold, I switched it off and stepped out. There was so much steam in the bathroom that I could hardly see, so I turned the shower fan on, and wrapped my body in a soft towel.
I was just squeezing my hair dry with another towel when the door opened behind me to admit Nick. I turned around and saw his face for one second, then turned back to the mirror. I felt every muscle in my body tense up, going from relaxed to hyper-aware in milliseconds.
Nick cleared his throat as he reached around me for his toothbrush. His arm brushed my bare shoulder, and I flinched as his arm brushed my bare skin.
I looked up into his weary, bloodshot eyes and whispered, "Please don't touch me," and he ducked his head and closed the door behind him.
