Unknown Sensations

Chapter sixty nine

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Spencer.
•

I feel so small
tonight
like a gray paper
fade .
like an insignificant
sparrow.
like I'm stuck
between yesterday
and tomorrow
but somehow still missed
today .
-sara chafin.

•
•
•

I took this land I stand on as one of the property investments I've acquired for myself , but it being the one I used the most rather than the penthouse suite at the office or the beach house in Sandton Shore and the rest of the places scattered all over Johannesburg . This particular property investment homed my family and their families and now it homes my own family .

The sentence sounds rather unbelievable , my own family ?

It's funny how I never imagined myself with a family of my own . The idea of marriage and children never crossed my mind as I never wanted any of it for myself . A man of my predicament did not deserve to crave life's greatest gift of having a family of his own . He just did not deserve it , his family would suffer , that's for sure .

Guess the greater workings of the universe cared less for my predicament as I cared far too much for it , I'd purposely chosen to deprive myself of such gifts with the idea of simply not deeming myself worthy of having such .

I was one to always think that out of the gang , I would certainly be the only one unmarried and without a family of my own , except I was wrong , it turns out that out of the gang , I would be the one with the biggest family and I have a feeling Angel and I are were far from being done . After all , both of us are still on our prime years .

Taking the sight in front of me , something in my chest contracts . Who knew that these two souls would mean close to everything to me in such a small amount of time . My innocent princess sleeps peacefully on the couch , covered in a small blanket while a bowl of chocolate chips sits on the very edge of the couch , close to hitting the floor , just awaiting her to stir . On the opposite side of her is my teenage son , teenage son huh? Who knew ? Justin sleeps on the edge of the couch , a coffee mug lies on his feet almost tipping over . The entire room is messy filled with junk food must be one hell of a party that took place here . What warms my heart is that they're comfortable enough to eat whenever they want without feeling like they should wait for tomorrow .

Putting aside my fears and contradictions of my condition , I allowed them into my home , I allowed them into my space and I allowed them into my life . Having to fight my fears and my demons , I allowed them into my sanctuary alongside Angel whom I will do anything to get back . I can't imagine what life without Angel will be like , what life without a mother these children would have. I can't have that. I need to get her back . I will get her back even if it takes me a lifetime to find her . Fear controls my actions now - fear of the unknown , fear of not being able to see or know what is happening to her and my babies , my seeds .

Her life with me has been a rollercoaster of pain , abuse and torture and all of that for my selfish reasons just to be able to feel because only she was able to give me the sensations . She is the only one for me. She is mine and I am hers because if not then universe would have never granted her as a gift to me , for me like the selfish bastard I am , I will never let her go because without her I can't feel , without her I am nothing . I am just a man.