Who You Say I Am (A Jai Courtney Fanfic)

Chapter 103-Jai

Jai

I'm still reeling at what Noah told me.  It's a hard pill to swallow.  I feel bad—terrible even.  I went from feelings of condemnation, to confusion, to slight understanding, to anger, then just being plain sick to my stomach. 
I try to think about good things but the only thing that comes to mind is Megan.  I wonder if kissing her was a mistake... but then, it was probably the best moment of my life.  I realized I love her... and she loves me.  I thought that I'd do anything for her.  I still feel like that.  I look over to that Bible beside me on the lounge.  I grab it and open it up.  I reread the last bit we talked about... whoever believes in him...  Megan told me all she wants is me to believe.  I glance to my notes.  I wrote down about the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus, but I honestly don't know much.  So far, I'm reading about his life.  So, I decide to read more.  I continue on through the chapter learning more about John the Baptist.  He must become greater; I must become less sticks out to me.  I write that down and realize how upset I was earlier about what I read, and what I learned.  But then I remember Megan—the sweetest person I've ever met.  She's not bad, she's not cruel.  She even apologized to me because she never wanted to hurt me.  I feel a dull tenderness in my chest right above my heart at the thought. I rub my chest were the ache is, never having experienced this kind of pain before. I expected something eventually—or hoped at least.  She never promised me anything other than friendship—but she does love me.  She said she did and she'd never lie to me.  I write down what she wants for me at the top of the page in bold print: BELIEVE.  And then I continue reading, for Megan. 
The next bit is about water and it feels like a metaphor I don't understand.  As I continue on in the conversation, Jesus declares to a woman who he says he is—the Messiah. He's not hiding his supposed identity.  He's not pretending to be someone else.  He straight up tells her and I find it surprising he only tells this one lady.  But then she goes to the town and tells everyone to come... making a difference.  He knew things about her that he wouldn't have known unless he knew her...
He performs miracles and speaks to people.  Then more fantastical things happen like feeding five thousand blokes with a basket of tucker.  The walking on water thing is crazy... 
After that, he speaks on bread symbolically.  He says belief in him is like tucker, then people leave him and don't believe.  He asks the rest if they're leaving, too.  But his mate tells him he has the words of eternal life and he's not going anywhere.  I ponder that for a moment.  His best mates believed in him—that he was like God on earth.  Do I think Megan is crazy?  No.  I don't.  Do I believe?  I don't know.  I think about it.  I step outside at night on my veranda and the sky is clear.  I can see all the stars.  I look up and wonder... is there really a God?  I don't know. 
Noah thought that my meeting Megan was like an intentional action from God, that God put her in my path so I'd meet him.  I honestly never would have thought of these types of things before then.  That church has been in my neighborhood my whole life and I never stepped foot in there until today.  I never would have on my own.  Sundays were always for sleeping in and watching pay tv, lazing about, going to the beach.  I don't think I would have gone without her.  I look back at those stars again and think about how big the world is and how much bigger the universe is.  I feel insignificant—small.  If there is a God, why would he care about me?  My thoughts drift to what Noah told me and I realize, I am a big fish in this pond.  I do make an impact on those around me.  I think about all that I helped with in Jamaica and I hope that counts for something.  I write that down on my list and get ready for bed. 

*****

I wake in the morning and exercise, then shower and make a healthy brekky.  I've always been able to make simple things but Megan has got me to do it more regularly, like when I'm working out and trying to bulk up.  I eat the tucker and clean up. 
I notice the Bible sitting over there and I pick it up and take it to the beach.  I sit down and relax in the shade and read with the surf crashing in the distance. 
Jesus goes to a festival and teaches.  He says his teaching is from God.  There's arguments with some who are complaining about him doing something good.  I don't understand why they're whinging.  They keep on doing that—it seems like it's the whole time he's there while he's trying to teach them. 
The next chapter has some people tossing a sheila in front of him and they want to execute her by throwing stones at her. They claim she was rooting around. I remember the hurt on Megan's face the first time I heard her speaking to her ex—how that's what he did to her.  Jesus says that anyone who's never done anything wrong can execute her... and I realize, he really is forgiving.  If that was their law and he could've, he didn't.  Everyone left because they couldn't say they were perfect.  He released her but told her to knock it off. 
The next part I read, I write down:

"‭‭John‬ ‭8:12‬, When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."

It reminds me of what I saw—that doorway with the light.  It also makes me think... I'm the one who's choosing where I walk and what I do.  It is a choice; I can believe or not believe.  But I feel like I just don't know enough so I keep on it. 
I write down the next bit. 

"John‬ ‭8:24, I told you that you would die in your sins; if you do not believe that I am he, you will indeed die in your sins."
‭‭‬ ‭
There's more bickering about him and he tells them they're children of the Devil because they behave like him.  I laugh lightly at that.  He says something else and it seems like they're going to stone him but then he slips away. 
He heals a blind man and then speaks about shepherd metaphors, saying he takes care of his people.  Then his mate dies and he goes to him... and somehow raises him from the dead after days? This is the most crazy thing I've read so far and I'm starting to wonder what's really going on here.  Next, I read about murder plots to kill him and I can't understand the problem.  He's doing good things and they don't agree with him so they want to off him?  I don't get it.  So, I write that down. 
Next, a lady puts some perfume on him and people are grumbling again.  He comes to town with people cheering and I feel like this is a precursor to something tragic.  Then he predicts his death and I wonder how he actually knew all of this.  After that, he washes his mates feet.  And I remember working in the sand with those sandals and we got filthy.  He actually got down on his knees and washed a room full of blokes' dirty feet.  And he knows one of his mates is going to betray him.  I couldn't imagine.  He tells them several more things and I feel like this is a build up to something.  Then he prays a lot before he's arrested.  They hound him with questions and slap him around.  Later on, they send him back and forth between rulers.  He's sentenced to be crucified then mocked, beaten,  and forced to walk there.  They nail him up and this is just disgusting.  This man did nothing but good and they tortured the poor bloke; he just said a couple things they didn't like. 
Afterwards, he dies and then is removed and buried in a tomb.  Days later it's empty but he appears to a lady and several others.  He talks with his mates and that's just how it ends. 
I turn the page to the next chapter and I'm surprised that's all.  I flip back and see there are more accounts—the other three gospels with the life of Jesus. I recall Megan telling me that, too.  I feel like I don't know enough, like I need to read more.  I feel like I want to ask what's next. I go home and grab some tucker—the meals I prepped but I grab a salad with this one. I sit down to eat and realize it's nine at night on Sunday in Ohio so I call Mikey. He answers on the second ring.

"Jai? What's going on?"

"What else should I read?"

He laughs in surprise. "You read John?"

"I did. It kind of stops abruptly. What happens next?"

He explains the gospels to me a bit, how they're accounts of Jesus's life. Some are different, some similar, but there's a bit more. There are two with genealogies at the start. Luke explains his birth. Acts tells what's after and everything else is letters to the churches after Acts. He also says I could try Genesis—the first book—when I'm ready. He highly recommends that I don't read Revelation until I complete the others.

"Why?"

"Revelation was written by John. It's a vision of the end of the world. It just gets weird and even Christians can find parts confusing and difficult to understand all of it but it is something to read in the future."

"So, read that last."

"Yeah."

"This helps. Thanks, mate."

"No problem. I'm so glad I could help. If you have any questions, always let me know."

I look to my sheet but it's getting late and he's got class in the morning. I decide I'll save those for Noah. I thank him again and we say our goodbyes.