THE SCARS ON MY BODY ● JEGULUS |MARAUDERS|

✰EIGHTY-THREE✰

I'M BACK xx

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✰ He wanted to cry in their arms.

He wanted to kiss their scars.

He wanted to know their pain. 

He wanted to shower in their storms and

bathe in their oceans ✰

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James tied his tie, then untied it, then re-tied it for the 4th time before sighing and throwing it across the room. He ran a hand through his hair and let out a long breath as he sat down on the edge of his bed. 

"Calm down, mate." Peter joined him on the bed, it was only the two of them in the room. "You don't have to go."

"Yes, I do. I can't just cancel now." Peter frowned, allowing James to rest his head on his shoulder. "I don't need the tie, do I? Is it too much?"

"Too much. Way too much." 

James chuckled, squeezing his eyes closed as he attempted to pretend everything was okay. But it wasn't. Because Lily was waiting down in the common room for him so that they could go on their Hogsmeade date together and all that was going through James' head was Regulus' hand in his. He felt like he was somehow betraying Regulus. Even though the two of them had no spoken agreement that they wouldn't see other people, it was as if their souls were twined together with a force stronger than words. 

"Am I doing the right thing, Pete?" He didn't exactly expect an answer from Peter. What would Peter know about the right and wrong choices in James' life? But, then again, Peter had never ceased to amaze him. 

"It doesn't matter what I think. Do you think you're doing the right thing?"

"Well, I don't know." But that statement simply wasn't true. Because he did know. He knew that what he was doing was wrong. But there was a part of his mind that was telling him it was right. It's right. It's expected. It's better. But was it? He was supposed to love Lily, but did he? He was meant to marry her and live in a big house with their children. But would he?

No. No, he wouldn't. He couldn't. He didn't. 

"I don't believe you." Said, Peter.

"Me neither." Peter furrowed his eyebrows, "I don't believe myself either. I don't know anything anymore, Worms." 

Peter laughed, shaking his head with squinted eyes. "Of course you know, idiot. You just won't let yourself because the idea of it scares you."

"The idea of what?"

"The idea that you don't love Lily, that you've never loved Lily and that you're still in love with Regulus."

***

"James!" Her smile was beautiful, it truly was. So beautiful that James hated himself for not loving her smile more than he loved Regulus'. He should've loved her smile.

"Lily. Ready?" He shoved his hands in his pockets, trying to force a believable smile. She nodded excitedly and threaded her arm under his. He should've loved her arm beside his.

The journey to Hogsmeade was great. They talked, they laughed, they told stories. He tried to pay attention to her spoken memories from when she was a child, but he couldn't. He should've cared more.