I saw you today, sitting across the room, wearing my hoodie that you stole ages ago. It has always looked better on you than it did on me. I watched you closely. When you started smiling at your phone screen, my heart started beating so fast. It always does when I'm close to you. I thought that it would give up. Then you looked at me, laughing at something somebody said. I didn't know what to do when you looked at me like that. I never do. I am confused by you.
You said we would, we could never happen, but then tried to kiss me in the dark at that party not long ago. I remember it so clearly, your face, your expression when you pulled back before our lips could touch. Was that the drunk you? I really do like you and I don't think I'm that good at hiding it. I would be a total fool if I believed that you didn't notice because you probably did a long time ago.
Tzuyu and I had gone on a date because we were bored. We were just hanging around as friends or even as sister. I don't see her the same way I see you. Then, when we came back to the dorm, you came to me, asking me if it was true before you even greeted me. I didn't understand what you asked if it was true, so I just shook my head. Your stressed face turned into a smiling one. Were you just interested in my date because you are my friend? I would like to think that you are not, instead, you just don't wanna ruin this, ruin us, our friendship. I would also like that you do ruin it. I would love that.
Three days later and we hadn't exchanged a single word. I saw you typing on my chat friday night, but the text never came. What were you typing and what made you change your mind? I want to know. I asked If you had an issue with me dating people and you said "Why would I? We are never gonna happen." It kind of hurt me, made me sad, but you kept saying that. Do you really mean it? Because the next weekend we almost kissed again. You almost kissed me. I would have let you. Do you keep doing that to me to play with me and keep me interested?
Even if I were to date someone, I would still be your friend, so don't worry. But if the things you do are not because you don't want to ruin anything and not because you just enjoy messing with me, then what is happening? We said we are friends, but I get just so confused when we talk. You got me addicted by cradling my cheeks when we talk, always putting my hair behind my ear and playing with my fingers when we sit close. But all the things you do always confuse me.
You never miss the change to take a sip from my drink. It would be drink that you drink often, but you would still try it from my cup to try it. I don't mind that, though. It's the fact that you look at the glass, find the mark my lipstick left behind, and you put your lips on the same spot. But while you do that, you never look my way, you avert your eyes instead. Others would do the opposite and avoid drinking from the same spot, but you don't. Why? Do you also mean more from that? Because I'm sure I do. I don't wanna be just your bandmate and work partner. I am absolutely sure that I don't wanna be just a friend.
We said we are friends, but are we? Because I know friends don't look at friends like that. Friends don't look at friends the way you look at me. However, if I just read the situation wrong, just throw this letter away like it never happened, like you never read it. We can act like this never happened, but if there is a chance, a little chance that you would like to give it a try, please let me know, give me a sign. I know there is something between us and I'm so curious. I believe you know who this letter is from.
I don't know if Momo has found the letter yet, if she's reading it right now, or if she has already read it. I'm sure she'll find it if she hasn't already, because I put it under her pillow. She always sleeps with one arm under her pillow. I close my eyes and try to sleep, but it's not working. She is on my mind. Did I really do the right thing? Was I supposed to shut down my feelings towards her? I don't know, but either way, it's too late now. All I can do is wait until the morning.
The sunlight is shining onto my face as I open my eyes. I guess I did manage to get a little sleep. I sit up and look towards Tzuyu and Chaeyoung's empty bunk bed. They didn't wake me up again even though I've told them to do so multiple times. But they're just too adorable to get mad at.
The bathroom is empty too. It's usually always busy when I wake up, but I'm lucky this time. I do my skin routine, the same one I've always been doing before confessing my feelings. I also put on some lipstick. Nothing has changed, it's all the same. Will anything change? Do I want anything to change?
I believe I'm the last one to wake because the breakfast table is already set with the girls sitting around it. Although, I'm not actually sure if anyone is missing because I can't get myself to look towards anyone. I'm scared of Momo's and my eyes meeting. That's why I just silently join the table as the girl's are having their usual conversations. I'm listening to them, but I can't properly comprehend anything. I'm way too tense right now.
I have no idea what Momo is thinking. I have no idea if she even read my letter. I'm so curious of her thoughts and of the reason why she is the way she is with me. Even though I only got a little glimpse of the setting, I know exactly where she is seated. That's why I purposely took place at the end of the table as she's seated towards the middle of it, on the other side. We would normally sit next to each other, but I don't think I would be able to handle that right now.
I finally let my gaze wander a little, first to Nayeon, who is sitting directly in front of me, and then to Momo. She pops the spoonful of rice into her mouth before chewing with full cheeks. There's space next to her that's supposed to be for me, but I decided to not sit there. Doesn't she wonder why I didn't? She would usually get upset if we weren't sitting together. But why does she look so disinterested now? Is this a sign that tells me I've read everything wrong?
I quickly look back down to my plate as she grabs her cup of juice. I really want to know what's going on in her mind. I want to receive a sign from her to know how I should be handling this situation. But even so, I can't even get myself to look in her direction. However, I have to when Nayeon calls my name.
"Dahyun, can I have your water?"
She is always so lazy, but it's alright. "Yeah, of course."
I grab my cup and as I'm handing it to her, I can feel two eyes on me. The eyes that I was so afraid to catch are looking right into mine. I can't pinpoint Momo's expression, but I can't look away either. I still have no idea if she read it or not. We are just blankly looking at each other.
Then, Nayeon takes a sip of my water and places it on her side. That seems to have distracted Momo as she looks at the cup instead. She changes her focus between the water and me. Then, she reaches for the cup and turns it until she can find what she's searching for. She lifts the cup up, leading it to her lips.
While looking straight into my eyes, she puts her lips onto my lipstick mark.
