langst one shots

Diary

Dear diary,
well it has been a while hasn't it ? sorry i have been writing to you less and less. lately, i've been a little, different. i feel like i'm not special to anyone, no one actually needs me. it's a feeling i have perceived for awhile but it didn't seem to fully settle until now. this physical form means nothing to me, yet everything seems to weigh so much on my shoulders. my friends seem to lose interest in me but they tell me they love me still, is this love ? i don't think there has ever been a time where someone has loved me unconditionally, and i also think that messes with my head. i feel the need to give everything i can just to sustain any relationship possible but how much i am able to give to someone shouldn't define me right? then why is that the only thing i'm useful for? no one talks to me unless they need something, but again am i just thinking that? is it not them? am i just projecting my inner hate onto them? it isn't fair why do they all get to be happy ?? i want to die, i want to be happy, i want to be free. this feeling inside of me never goes away only contorts in size, and it leaves me questioning if everyone is built with the same boulder attached to them. how could i even began to talk about my feelings?  it's like if i show any emotion around anyone it's too big, they think i'm too much and they can't handle it. when i'm happy it's too happy and when i'm angry it's too angry. it isn't fair everyone gets to talk about it while i don't. it's not fair i have to stay silent and bottle things up while others get to do anything they want to. but i'll stay this way. wallowing in my own distrust and anger. never feeling comfortable to even open up one time about how i feel, leaving them to wonder if i had even been sad ever at all. it's easy to fake when you've been doing it so long, it's harder though when i'm far away from home and miss my family. i've been lashing out. i don't mean to but, i don't know, yelling, fits of anger, blinding rage to where others fear me.. it's never been a problem. i've never been so angry. but i'm not, but i am? i'm angry at the world and the place i'm in but no one else put me here besides me. but also what else could i have done ? sometimes you have to do things or shit just falls into your lap and then what? i have to deal with it and wear it as a label on my forehead. i don't want it to be all over but i want these feelings to stop. but what if i do just want it all over and i'm just hanging on the one shred of hope, one little bit of love and attention i get from them. any smiles, hand shakes, they make my heart warm and hope rise into my heart... but i can't trust it. i can't. they will use it against me. i have to stop the feeling. not feel at all.

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it's been a long time, i missed it..