Con Brio: Todd and Ian's story

10

Trigger warning: panic attack.

He manages to make it to the restaurant and to the table, even managing to order fried rice before he loses it. He can feel himself sliding, and he tries so hard to hang on, but his heart is pounding so hard he knows he'll faint if he stays sitting here. So he gets up, manages to smile at Todd and heads to the restroom as quickly as he can. He's all out of choices. 
He runs his hands along the chairs as he walks, for something to hold on to, some stability somewhere. He mustn't make a spectacle of himself, he can't, he can't. But the tears start streaming before he makes it in the door and his breaths are coming quick and raspy. He almost throws himself into the restroom and closes the door behind him. 
He doesn't know how often this floor is cleaned, but he can't, he can't. He sinks down and buries his face between his knees, panting, the tears oozing out and flowing into his jeans. 
"No." he breathes. "No, no, no, no. I did okay. No, no, no."
He leans back against the wall, turning sideways in some pathetic fetal position to try and stay conscious as his heart hammers out of his chest. The coolness of the red tile is nice against his face. 
"Todd." he breathes. Todd can't hear him, of course, and in fact he's not allowed to hear him. He could never see him like this. No one can. "Fuck, oh, fuck. Oh, Todd, oh, please."
Slowly he starts seeing normally again. The tears stop, the fog lifts some, and finally his heart starts slowing down. He needs to get out of here, ASAP. Will anyone have noticed his absence? He's sure Todd will have, but there's so many kids out there, surely none of the others have? He manages to get himself upright and catches sight of himself in the mirror. 
Oh God, he looks terrible. Pale, and his eyes are red and slightly bloodshot. Why the fuck did he have to go and lose it like that? He splashes water in his face and sits down on the toilet seat for just a minute, so the redness can come down. Up, more water, and he nods at his reflection. 
He needs to get back. 

The restaurant still looks exactly the same. Todd turns around straight away and shoots him an inquiring glance, which he manages to answer with a smile. The others are deep in conversation.
"The practice room system is terrible though." Eddy tells Anna as he takes his seat beside Todd. Food has appeared on the table since he's been gone. "Seriously, a while ago we were practising outside on the street. But that's really the only downside I can think of, you two are going to love it there. Are you finding a room, or something?"
"Yeah, I think we get lodging or something for the first year, coming from far away." Anna says. She's smiling at the guy next to her, who Ian thinks is the flute. Wait, are they an item?
"We have a roof terrace, Anna." Todd says as he heaps a bite of rice onto his chopsticks. And it's an invitation, he knows.
"Ah! You hold barbecues on it?" she asks him.
"We haven't yet, but that's a good point, we should."

The more he eats, the more he gets back onto safe ground. His heart is calmer now, his breath settles and all that's left is this killing tiredness he knows from earlier episodes just like this one. He'll be tired all day. But he'll live. He always does.