Con Brio: Todd and Ian's story

46) Todd

Jesus. H. Christ. He knew it got bad for Ian, but did he ever know it got this bad? Ian looks awful, so pale he's basically green, his breaths so fast, and he can feel his heart pounding under his hand at at least 180 beats per minute. He sinks down to the floor with him to stop him falling first, and puts his head against his chest, cradling it in his hands. 
"Ian, baby. You'll be fine." he wooes in his ear. "You're a great violist. You are. Nobody thinks you're not. Hey. Baby."
He has no idea if he's even saying the right things, but he figures the panic attack must have something to do with the concert, right? 
Ian sobs once, twice, and Todd has no idea what to do apart from sitting here with him, stroking his back. Will he faint completely? Does he need to get help? He guesses no, because hasn't Ian said this has happened before? After a few minutes of quick, quick breaths Ian takes one deeper one and sits back a little, against the red tiled wall. Todd eyes him worriedly. Is he going to faint? Be sick? But doesn't he look marginally better than just now? He does, right? 
"Baby..." he tries feebly.
Ian shrugs. 
"I'm okay." he whispers in between rapid breaths. 
He still looks anything but okay though, and Todd feels more helpless than he ever has in his life. He starts breathing in and out deeply himself, in two seconds, out four like he's learned in some workshop way back when, imploring Ian without words to breathe with him. His hand is on Ian's chest and he wills his heart to calm. 
"Are you... are you coming out of it?" he asks when at last Ian's breath slows down some, starts to match his own pace, and Ian nods. His cheeks are colouring as if he's embarrassed. 
Baby. Please. 
"Yeah." Ian says hoarsely. "I'm... God, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to freak you out."
"I'm not freaked out." Todd lies. "What... do you know what caused it? The concert?"
Ian nods again. 
"I'm gonna suck." he says bitterly.
Okay. Now this, this Todd knows what to say to. He puts his hand back on Ian's chest, his other hand on his neck, pulling him closer. 
"You know you won't." he says ardently. "I know it doesn't feel like that right now, but the evidence is right there. You've done a thousand concerts. You've never sucked, you've never been ridiculed."
"Not ridiculed, no." Ian says bleakly. A tear wells up and spills over his cheek. Todd wipes it gently. "But I'm clearly in a different league from the rest of you guys, Todd. Look at the competition we were in, for instance."
Now it's Todd who can't breathe. He has no idea how to react to that. That is how Ian feels? Like he sucks? For real? 
"Jesus." he whispers. "Baby... no, you got to the second round in that competition. Everybody there was good, you know that, don't you? Please... you've got to know you're a good musician."
"We should get back." Ian says as he ignores that statement completely and starts getting up. Todd gets up too, although to be honest he'd rather stay down there a while longer, get to the bottom of this. "Because people will start wondering where we are."

"This is what it's been like?" Todd whispers as he stands. "You've been like this... all alone?"
Ian shrugs again. 
"Yeah. Worse, usually. It helped that you were here. But now I think you're upset, which I'm so sorry for."
"I chose to be here. I want to be here." Todd says quietly. "I'd rather you not feel like this, but if you're going to, I want to be right here. There's no other place I'd be."
Tears flood Ian's eyes at his words, and Todd has to swallow to not start bawling himself, but not because of now. It's because of all the times his love was here and he was not. 
"I will always be here." he adds as he pulls him into a tight hug. "Tell me. What can I do now to help you through the day?"
Ian scoffs. 
"I shouldn't need you to help me through the day."
"Ian." Todd says as he puts both hands on his love's sweet face. "There are no shoulds here. There's you, there's me. I'm here. Deal with it."
Ian blinks at him and another tear wells over and rolls down his cheek, still pale, but no longer green. 
"Just... talk to me I guess." he says then, so quietly he's hard to hear. 
Todd smiles. 
"Now. Talking I can do." he quips. "Pretty good at it, in fact."
Now Ian smiles too. 
"I know you are. Thanks, Todd."
"Yeah, yeah. Come on, let's get back."