Con Brio: Todd and Ian's story

40) Todd

Trigger warning: talk of sexual abuse

Jesus, what is it with him today? He thought he had dealt with this crap years ago? And yet, as he watches Ian walk to the bathroom with that telltale gait...
He feels guilty.
Why did he let Ian talk him into that? Doesn't he know full well it's better to start with something smaller than his dick? Todd shakes his head at himself and gets up to find some bedclothes. 

It doesn't take Ian long, thank God, and Todd gets ready quickly and slides into bed next to him. He should sleep, really, because it's going to be a long day tomorrow, but he can already tell his head is way too full, way too confused to sleep. So he kisses Ian tenderly and stops himself from asking whether he's okay again, because really, will the answer have changed? Then he lies back and stares at the extinguished light that hangs from the ceiling. 

It's hard, now that it's dark, now that it's silent, not to go there in his head. It's even harder to get to sleep, to turn that head off. All he can do is lie there, stare, and make sure not to make any sound. He has no idea how long he's been there like that when Ian's hand is on his shoulder, squeezing gently.
"Can't sleep?" he whispers.
Shit. Is he keeping Ian up now?
"Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."
Ian chuckles lightly.
"I don't need you to keep me awake, Toddy. I do perfectly fine with that on my own."
Todd smiles into the dark as he turns on his left side so he can look at his love in the little bit of shady light that falls through the window in the corner. Yeah. Ian never sleeps enough. He knows that.
"I'd like a bedtime story." Ian whispers.
"Oh? About what?" Todd smiles. "A prince, and his prince charming?"
Ian grins.
"No. I'd like you to tell me why you're not sleeping."
Todd stills. He remembers wondering earlier, whether Ian could always see through him like that. He guesses now he knows yes.
"God, Ian" he says as he shakes his head. "You don't need my shit in your head."
"Yeah I do." Ian asserts. "Because we've both been miserable for ages because we weren't talking about shit."
For a moment Todd could simply get up and run out. Hadn't he promised himself to never think of this again?
"Toddy." Ian says, his soft voice imploring, beguiling. "You've seen me have nightmares. You've sat on my bed and rubbed my shoulder. I... I just think it would have been easier if I would have said something way sooner."
Todd takes a deep breath and turns back on his back abruptly. Shakes his head again, hard.
"Oh, fuck it anyway." he blurts out. "Look, Ian, it was just a thing that happened ages ago. I was young, too young. This guy... I went home with him. He wanted to top. I was drunk. I asked him not to, he did it anyway. It hurt. That's all there is to it. It's ancient history."

Oh fuck. He shouldn't have said it, because he can feel Ian freeze beside him. It's just because it's so late, and he's exhausted, and he can't sleep. And now he's fucking well almost crying too. What is it with him today? Why can't he find his normal confidence? It's like everything is jumbled up inside him. 
"You asked him not to?" Ian asks, his tone ominously quiet. 
"Yeah. He was drunk too. Like I said. Ancient history. But yeah, that's why I'm not a huge fan of bottoming."
"Todd, there is a word for that. That's rape." 
Todd freezes into the mattress at the word he's tried to never think. 
"I'm sure he didn't mean to." he says quietly. 
"Jesus fucking Christ." Ian hisses as he takes his hand. "I knew you were easy going. Forgiving. Hell, you've forgiven me plenty. But that's... wow."
"What good would it do me though, to get stuck in it?" Todd says, his tone a little harsher than he intends. "What good would it do anyone?"
He can feel Ian shrug. 
"Well. It's still influencing you now."
Fuck it, now he really is crying. He hopes Ian won't see it in the dark, so he doesn't swipe, he just lets the tears flow over his cheeks and down past his ears into the pillow. 
"Yeah." he says, but his treacherous voice breaks as he does. "I... I guess I hadn't realised it was. I'm sorry, Ian."