Con Brio: Todd and Ian's story

25) Ian

"Is Eddy okay?" Ian asks as he closes the door behind them. Even though he knows the answer already.
"Oh, you saw that, did you? I think so." Todd says, and looks up at Ian with guilt burning on his face. "I think... it all took it out of him a bit."
"He's been a saint. The way he talked to me..."
Ian hopes Todd never, ever finds out what a mess he's been in. But Eddy knows - at least some of it - now. And he still wants to be his friend. Isn't that the very definition of a saint?
Todd nods. 
"Me too. God knows where we would be if he hadn't..."
"Yeah. 
"I'll take you all out to dinner tonight, if you're good with that." Todd asks, and Ian marvels. 
He's asking him. 
"Of course. I think it's a great idea." he says quietly. 
"Good. Now. I'd love to talk." 
Todd sits down on the bed, just like they were yesterday, and his head points to the space next to him. 
"Talk, huh?" Ian says. He'll talk, sure. But there's so much he doesn't want to say. If Todd knows how weak he is inside, will he still love him? He sits down anyway, and allows Todd to pull him a bit closer. Todd looks at him, so soberly that Ian stills, and takes the deepest breath before he starts. 
"So... the way you've been doing, is that because of... this?"
Ian blinks in shock. How... how does he know? How much does he know? Shit, has he done so badly hiding things? 
"Um. How..." he stammers, and instantly Todd smiles at him and puts his hands on his thighs. Oh, he loves Todd's hands there. They seem to provide a warmth that pulls through him and erases every knot in his system. 
"Come on, Ian, I know... I've seen. I just... I had to be... respectful. I just... I didn't know it was my fault."
Ian's eyes open wide as shock floods his system.
"No, Toddy." he rushes to say. "It... no, it wasn't your fault, it was mine. I just... I didn't want you to see."
Todd watches him soberly, his pupils dilating, he seems to deliberate. Then he nods once.
"You didn't want anyone to see?"
Ian shakes his head as Todd tenses and relaxes his lips. Clearly Ian thought he was a lot better at hiding shit than he actually is, because Todd has known all along. 
"Ian... baby..." Todd says quietly. "Can I please be a part of it, from now on? Please? I mean... you can say no, of course. But it would mean a lot to me."

Ian sits in stunned silence for the longest time, staring at his love, seeing the earnestness in his eyes. All his secrets seem to be laid out on the bed next to him, around them. Everything he never wanted Todd to know, and yet he's there, his hands squeezing his thighs as if he knows what it means. Keeping the fear away. And something shifts inside him. And he nods. 
"I... I've been having panic attacks." he confesses very quietly. "In the restaurant, for instance. And last night... you know... because I thought I had taken advantage of you."
"You thought you had taken advantage of me?" Todd asks in amazement. "I thought the very same thing."
Ian stares at him for a second, then shakes his head. He remembers, now, how Todd freaked out this morning, how he fled into the bathroom. How he assumed he knew why. He must have been wrong.
"I assumed... you fled this morning because you felt violated." he says quietly. 
"Oh, baby, no." Todd hastes. "I fled... because I thought I had basically raped a straight guy. God, Ian, I've been... I've been with lots of guys. I'm not the easily violated kind."
Ian tries not to feel the little pang of jealousy that pulls through him, but Todd has noticed already, because he squeezes his thigh again. 
"I've not loved any of them, though." he whispers. 
"Um." 
"Trust me, Ian. None of them."
Ian blinks to stop the tears that are behind his eyes, this time not for sadness, but for incredulous happiness. So he leans forward, because he's allowed now, and he kisses Todd gently, sweetly, and he marvels as Todd responds, opening his mouth a little so he can taste his sweet, sweet tongue.