Con Brio: Todd and Ian's story

45) Ian

Everything is perfect. Just perfect. Until they pick up their instruments and start walking to the venue. 
And then it isn't. 
Oh, fuck, he can feel the nerves flooding in, paralysing him bit by bit. He remembers how strong he felt, last night, and he knows that strength must still be there, right there, somewhere inside him. But it's just out of his grasp, like a life-saving ledge on a mountain he just can't reach. He walks quickly beside Todd and tucks his head between his shoulders. 
No, oh no, oh no. He's going to fall, he's going to be made as the imposter he is by everyone. 
How could they fail to see how much worse he is than the rest of the quartet? Will they laugh at him? Surely, they'll be too polite? God, that concert master will be there as well, of course, and she'll be all over them the whole time, greedy for Eddy's attention. He can feel the rejection wash over him all over again as he pictures her admittedly pretty face. 
He looks ahead, where Brett and Eddy are walking. Brett has been quiet, actually, the whole time. Is he maybe feeling it too?
Of course not. He's well on his way to an honours degree. What the fuck does he have to feel insecure about?

A lady shows them to a spacious dressing room they'll share with the four of them and Ian could scream. It's nice, he can see that, but he doesn't want to share. He wants to be alone, or at least alone with Todd. Even if he did want to honour his promise to let Todd in, how can he now? So he sits down on a chair, tries to smile, tries to breathe. He follows them to the rehearsal space and unpacks his viola with shaky fingers. 
Why did he sit down to have breakfast with Todd? I mean... nice as it was, shouldn't he have known that that's for competent people? He should have been here already, practising. Not just warming up now. 

Every note is torture. Okay, so maybe he plays a few of them right, and nobody seems to look at him funny, but surely that's just because they're used to him sucking, right? The second John dismissed them he wants to flee, to the dressing room, or maybe to that toilet he visited yesterday with Todd, but before he can do or say anything plans are already being made to go to that same restaurant again. What is he going to say? No, I don't want to go? There's no way. So he tucks his head between his shoulders again and follows the group. 
He definitely isn't about to make a fuss. 
He glances at his watch surreptitiously as they all sit down in the restaurant. Two hours until the first concert and he must keep it together, but to be honest he's starting to realise it's a lost cause. His heart rate is spiking and something seems to be sucking all the oxygen out of the room. He can't breathe, he can't breathe. 
Oh God. Is he going to have to hide in that fucking bathroom again? 
He waits a minute, two, three, hanging on, grasping the sides of his chair, but he's so faint. He can't wait any longer, he can't make a spectacle here, so he moves his chair back abruptly, even managing to smile at the cello sitting next to him, and walks quickly to the toilets. He makes it before he passes out, yanks the door open, but before he can close the door behind him someone presses themselves in before him. 
No! he wants to scream. Go away! No! 
He blinks when he realises it's Todd. 
He's shaking now and Todd moves like lightning, grabbing his hands, locking the door, then takes him in his arms as his breath speeds up so fast he can't see properly anymore. 
"Imma... Imma..." he manages. 
"I know. It's okay." Todd says. "I'm here, baby, I'm right here."
His heart pounds through his chest and he tries to hang on so hard. But he has to sit, or he'll fall. So he lets himself sink to the floor, bringing Todd down with him.