Con Brio: Todd and Ian's story

18) Ian

Ian has no idea how he makes it through the rehearsal. How he even manages to play one or two notes in tune. Is this what muscle memory is? When you're completely fucked up beyond all recognition, your fingers still somehow know where to go? He knows Mr. Davids is worried about them, he's seen his glances. He knows Brett and Eddy are too, because Brett kept trying to talk to him when Eddy took Todd off somewhere else. He couldn't, though, and he deflected him every time. All of his thoughts were with the guy he loves, who is off talking to his friend, somewhere else. What useful thing could he possibly have to say to Brett?
What did Todd and Eddy discuss? He can guess. It will have been about him, and what he did to Todd. Has Todd decided he never wants to see him again yet? He grits his teeth until the rehearsal ends. He can feel the panic attack inside him already, he can feel how his heart pounds, he can feel the ocean of tears that's sitting just underneath his eyes. He manages to keep his breath under control, for now, but for how long? Will he make it back to the hotel room before he crumbles completely? And when he does, will he even make it back out of there? 
The walk back to the hotel is torture. He tries so hard to make it, to not fall down and curl up into a ball and make a serious spectacle of himself. He manages it, somehow, he even chats to Brett a little about Dvorak as if nothing is going on, but he barely makes it into the hotel before his breath is speeding up. 
Just a couple minutes more, just a little longer, and he'll be alone. He knows Todd will know to leave him be. He takes as deep a breath as he can and plays his move.  
"I'm just going to go lie down. You guys head off." he says, neutrally he hopes, rushing towards the lift, but before he can get there Eddy catches his eyes.
"I'm just going to go up with you, alright?" he says in a tone that's not to be argued with. Brett grabs Todd by the elbow and takes him towards the reading table in the centre of the lobby.
Oh God. Eddy wants to talk, doesn't he? And he can't very well say no, you're not allowed in the lift with me, can he? But he'll be quick. He'll get into his room before Eddy can ask him anything. It would be too much, just too much.  
They ride up in silence as Ian tries his hardest to contain it, to keep breathing. His head is swimming now, and he's very dizzy. He can't faint, though. He just can't. He's almost there, almost by his bed, where he can fall down and forget about the world. 
He takes out the key card from his back pocket and tries to stick it in the door, but his eyes are fuzzy now, it won't go in. 
"Ian." Eddy says. "Can I please talk to you?"
The door opens now, and he's made it. He shakes his head.
"Sorry, Eddy."
"Ian, please. Come on. I want to help." Eddy pleads. "Look. We need to talk."
What is he to do? He draws a shaky breath and suddenly he finds himself spilling over.
"God, Eddy. What is there to talk about then? I fucked everything up, can't we leave it at that?"
"Can we go inside? Please?"
He shrugs and steps aside to let Eddy in.