Con Brio: Todd and Ian's story

51) Ian

"Are you okay?"
He needs to know, even if his voice comes out all hesitant and hoarse. He's shared something so intimate with him earlier today, more intimate than what they did just now, to be honest. The door is firm against his back, like it's holding him up. He looks sideways to see Todd's face in the faded bit of light of the street lamps that falls through the window on the other side of the room. He needs to know he didn't damage him. 
He needs to know he didn't damage them. 
"Of course." Todd says in his beach boyiest tone. "Why wouldn't I be?"
Ian scoffs on the inside. 
"You saw me completely fall to pieces." he says quietly. "You held me, dragged me through today. Without you it would have been hell, with you I actually enjoyed this evening. I'm so thankful to you, Todd, but... I need to know if you're okay."
Todd grins once, and it's a dark, almost bleak sound. 
"Ian. Oh, Ian." He sighs deeply, then nods. "You do have a knack for cutting right through all my crap, don't you? I'm okay, baby. I promise. Yeah, it was... scary. But not because of anything, just because I didn't know it got that bad. That's all. I'm just glad you let me in."
"You didn't give me much choice."
Todd looks at him now. 
"Would you not have?"
Ian shrugs. This is not really a question he has an answer to. 
"I knew what I'd promised, of course, but you have to understand, at that moment there's not much space for thinking. And... you know, when you already feel so low about yourself it's hard to willingly burden someone else with your shit."
Todd nodds again, staring thoughtfully ahead to the room and the window beyond. 
"Would you rather I hadn't been there?" he asks.
"No." Ian's head shakes from side to side of its own accord and he knows what he's saying is true. Selfish, maybe, but true. "It was so much easier with you there. I just... I feel bad about it being difficult for you."
"Don't." Todd says in his most definitive tone. The beach boy is long gone, what he has here now is pure, one hundred percent real Todd. How many people get to see that? Ian knows it's not many.
"We'll get through it together." Todd says as he takes Ian's hand. "Like we'll get through everything together. You didn't think twice about... you know, helping me, right? Last night?"
Ian's eyes open in surprise. 
"Of course not."
"Then why would I be any different about helping you? It's not weak to need help, Ian. I'm just... yeah, I guess I'm just learning that now."
Ian leans over and put his head on Todd's shoulder. It's warm. Strong. Supportive. 
"I guess that's true. I guess I hadn't seen it that way."
"And you rocked, Ian. We all did. I don't think we've ever played better."
Ian smiles into the dusk. It's true. The ensemble was on fire tonight, never more together than now.
"It's thanks to you."
"No, it's thanks to all of us."
Todd groans as he gets up gently and holds out his hand. 
"If it's all the same to you, can we please have a shower and get to bed? I know I joked with Eddy, but to be honest I'm beat."
Ian takes the hand and lets himself be pulled up. Then he throws his arms around Todd and pulls him in. His curly hair is in his nose. It smells sweet, like the fruity shampoo he uses. It smells of safety, and belonging. 
"'We'?" he asks. 
"If you want?"
Ian grins once. 
"You're asking me if I want to shower with you? Were you also wondering whether grass is green?" 
He walks further into the room, opening buttons on his dress shirt, letting the shirt fall on the bed. Where is he getting the confidence from to joke around? He smiles at the sweet man in front of him that makes it all possible for him. 
"Come on then."