Con Brio: Todd and Ian's story

16) Todd

Todd is frozen, frozen solid. He doesn't even think he can move, to be honest, but he finds, when Eddy knocks on their door, that he answers automatically, that he picks up his cello case, that he walks into the hallway, and Ian follows him. But inside his heart is cold, fear grips it, shame grips it. 
He has done the worst thing he could possibly have done. He's taken advantage of a guy, something he's always sworn he would never do. And not just any guy, but the guy he loves. He steps into the lift, and for a second he thinks he'll hurl. He manages a deep breath and wills it away. It would only make an already bad situation worse. 
What was he thinking? He knew Ian was drunk. He probably didn't even fully realise what was happening. He hangs his head and avoids looking at anyone. How will he even make it through today? A rehearsal, lunch and another rehearsal. How? 

The nausea comes and goes in waves as they walk in silence to the music school. His walk of shame. Brett and Eddy know very well what he's done last night. Will they even still talk to him at all? Or will he have to move out, leave his best friends in the world behind? Tears press up and him and he could kick himself for even thinking about that. 
This is not about him. He'll take what's coming to him. It's about Ian, and making sure he is okay. How, though? How? 
They walk into the music school and into the auditorium, and of course John makes them the instant he sees them. His eyebrows raise, and he shoots his questioning glance at Eddy, who just shrugs. 
Yeah, what's Eddy supposed to do here? It's not like he had anything to do with it. No, this one is all on Todd, and no one else.
He manages to unpack his cello, swallowing down the nausea, and sits down next to Ian. It's like he's on top of him, he's so close, so close. He blinks as a tear forms. Oh, Ian. I'm so sorry, he thinks, he wills the words to reach his best friend. Or at least the guy who used to be his best friend. 
But Ian doesn't look at him, doesn't even blink, he just tunes his viola and waits for the conductor to start them. 
As well he should do. Todd has done the unforgivable. 

He has no idea how he makes it to the interval. No idea at all, because it feels impossible. His skin is crawling like there are ants walking under it as he puts his cello away, and he's almost hyperventilating.
"Okay, so this is coming along nicely, guys. Let's all take twenty minutes and I'll see you back here." John has said, as if he were eating a wasp. So he's fucking this up, too, fucking it up for Eddy, for Brett.
Will he be able to talk to Ian? Will even Ian hear him? Or will he turn away, tell him he never wants to see him again after this trip? But before he can even decide to take a step towards him Eddy is there, by his side, his eyes serious and very, very sober. He takes him by the elbow and leaves him no choice, because he all but drags him out of the room and down the hallway. There is a little alcove, at the end of it, with a small bench. Eddy pushes him down on it before his legs can give way and sits down next to him. 
"So." he says quietly.