All Over You

Psychotic

I was up half the night, wrapped in the duvet until I was sweating. I eventually became too tired to cry anymore but my mind was plagued with thoughts of Liam all night and how I knew that he was with her. I don't remember drifting off to sleep, but when I did all I could picture is the way he bid me goodnight while intently holding Skye close. I can't shake the image of them fixated on each other. I know it shouldn't bother me and a few weeks ago this was the norm. I wouldn't have even flinched. Why is this cutting so deep now?

By the time I wake up, Maria has already showered, completed her entire curly hair routine and applied a full face of makeup. 

"Call time is in an hour." She mutters softly. 

I can tell she's read my mood and is treading on eggshells with me. I sigh, slipping out of bed and onto my feet. Without uttering a single word, I head to the shower and allow the warm water to flood over me. I have to make a plan. This obsession I am creating in my head with Liam isn't healthy. It's psychotic. It can't continue anymore. He will never want me the way I want him, and even if he did it would be for a single night when I have begun to fantasise about a lifetime. I have to stop. He's with Skye and I don't care. I can't care.

I hop out of the shower and wrap myself in a fluffy hotel towel. I swipe at the foggy mirror enough to see my hair curling up slightly under the heat. It will save me time curling it manually, I guess. I almost laugh at how irrational I've been; thinking like a psycho. I only hope none of my thoughts have transferred to my behaviour or I deserve to be locked up.

"I'm sorry, I am so tired. I barely got any sleep last night." I force a laugh when I re-enter the bedroom. Maria seems relieved I am not ignoring her anymore. I can't help but feel a little cruel for the way I've acted, It's selfish and wont benefit me in attempts to make new friends from the studios. I hope it doesn't taint my reputation too much. 

"It's fine, neither did I. I struggle without the kids!" She smiles back. 

We talk lightly about our home lives while I throw some makeup on, but I stop myself before I do. I only ever make an effort for Liam and I can't care about him anymore. So I'll go natural, only applying a little blush and concealer with a few strokes of mascara to my lashes. 

Together we head down to the set and engross ourselves with setting up and filming to the point that I don't even notice Liam. It's like he's not even there. It's refreshing, like a weight of expectation has been lifted from my shoulders. 

                                                       _____________________________________

I excuse myself briefly before wandering to the bin and discarding my napkin, nibbling at the remanence of my break time snacks. The bin is a perfect sphere and polished to perfection, causing me to pause for a moment and ponder whether everything on this set was as pristine if even the bins are expensive looking. I glance around at the buffet table and notice Liam grabbing a few pastries on a paper plate. A smile instantly curves on my lips as I see him, but my heart swells at the painful reminder of him and Skye. The smile disappears and I wander away from him, hoping he'll ignore me. Deep down I know I dont want him to, but it would be better for me if there was more space between us. I don't trust myself or my thoughts when he's near. 

"Where are you off to?" Liam asks as I saunter past. 

I hesitate, but then shrug and continue walking away from him. 

Before I can get any further, I feel a sudden heat wrapping around my arm and realise his fingers are holding onto me tight. He spins me around so I have no choice but to face him, though I keep my eyes pointed firmly at the floor. My heart flutters at the gesture, but I forgive myself. It's just a natural reaction. I don't need Liam anymore. Nothing with him ever means anything and I was daft for getting my hopes up. I am in too deep, drowning, and need to find the surface of the water before my lungs fill up with water too.