All Over You

Puzzle

It has been what feels like a lifetime without any Liam encounters, although this "lifetime" only equates to a matter of weeks. Everything is so dull without him. It feels like my existence revolves around working mindlessly. The colour has been sucked out of the universe and things really do seem black and white. I cry less now, though it doesn't mean things are any easier. Every morning I wake up after a terrible nights sleep and barely bother with my appearance. I've turned up to work every day with barely any makeup, my eyes growing heavier as time passes by. I keep throwing my hair back into a bun or ponytail for ease and none of my elaborate outfits have even been touched. To put it simply; I have no one to impress anymore. I don't need to make an effort when he doesn't look at me the way he used to. What's the point in wearing anything but jeans if the only validation that ever mattered was from him. 

Each day, I head to work and avoid confrontation with most people. Everyone talks as rumours spread viciously like wildfire and make me nostalgic to the days of high school break ups. I can't blame people for gossiping. Liam is back on the market and I'm sure he's making the most of it by burying himself in as many new women as he can. He's probably celebrating his freedom. I'm sure he couldn't wait to get rid of me.

I haven't seen him properly at all since the day after we split. I sorted most of the paperwork myself to avoid any conflict with him. I decided I couldn't bare to be blamed for taking the easy way out, especially when I barely have energy to eat at lunchtimes. He definitely took my appetite with him when he left.  I've caught glances of him around, especially during transmission. He seems lively. Much happier than me, laughing with his friends or staring into the eyes of various women. It goes to show how little an impact I had on him. He's acting as if we never happened. I thought the idea of us going back to square one was the worst case scenario, but at least we had some sort of friendship on square one. Now he doesn't even acknowledge that I am a person who exists in the same vicinity as him. 

I get home every night and lay on the sofa, watching pointless prime time telly and zoning out to better days where I used to be so chirpy about life. I'd hustle about in the evenings and look forward to every day, maybe even going out with Keira. Now I live vicariously through a past Tiffany and long for the day this feeling will fade. I doubt it ever will. How do you go from feeling so euphoric to feeling nothing at all? The nights are the worst, thats when the majority of the pain kicks in. I wonder what I did to make Liam stray. I can't just blame it on him. I was never enough for him and I'm not sure I'll ever be enough for anyone again. I'm not sure I want to be if it's not him. I wonder about whether he actually did love me until the early hours of the morning, with sweat dripping down my forehead as the thoughts make silence unbearable.

I dont feel alive anymore. I am just existing, wrongly desperate for any sorts of communication with Liam. I am so determined to stay away from him, yet he's everywhere. He's in every pane of glass I look through, he's in my words and he's in my dreams. I even find myself adopting his way of speaking on certain petrifying occasions. He is haunting me and I wish for nothing more than to be with him. My strength falters constantly as I type messages I'll never send about how he's forgiven and how I miss him. Don't get me wrong, I've almost rushed back to him so many times. If it was that simple, I would. But he lied to me and I will never be able to trust him again. We cannot exist together again when he stole every inch of pleasure I got out of the world. I feel like an addict just begging for a fix even though each dose brings me a little closer to the edge. I'm dicing with danger and it glows claret right in front of my eyes. 

That being said, It hasn't stopped me from dreaming of an alternate universe where he changes for me, brings me flowers every morning and tells me how much I mean to him. The Liam who wouldn't cheat on me or lie to me because he loves me more than he's ever loved anyone. I struggle to decide which hurts more; his betrayal or my yearning for him. The pain of his double-crossing wins every time, or at least it has to in order to stop me rushing back to him. He wouldn't be waiting with open arms anyway. If he was, I know my resolve would falter.