All Over You

Worst Form Of Torture

Liam rolls off me, his eyes thick with an emotion I can't decipher but firmly rooting his gaze to the ceiling. I cuddle up to his chest, holding him tightly against me in apprehension that he'll leave again. We've made heaps of progress since then, but the damage has already been done and I constantly fear that he's one wrong word from walking out the door. His chest is slightly damp from sweat and his breathing is rapid, causing my head to bob up and down on top of him. I don't ever want to move, but he seems uncomfortable somehow. I love having sex with Liam, but I do wish he'd warm up to the idea of aftercare. It's hardly been something I've wanted before, but with Liam I crave being close in every possible way.

"You know you're so quiet." He chuckles under his panting breaths.

"Quiet?" I question.

He doesn't reply and I shudder, no matter how much I trust Liam, talking about sex always feels so awkward with him. I assure myself that there's no reason to feel ashamed, but he has a way with words that makes me feel so hopelessly nervous around him. I always assumed you were supposed to be intimidated by the one you love. It certainly keeps me on my toes. It's part of the eager feeling I get when I'm around him.

"Sorry. I'll try to do better next time." I lie.

I wish I could explain to him how I felt. I could tell him that he intimidates me so much. I was nervous about being inadequate in bed as he'd been with so many girls and he might miss them if I wasn't as fun. I would discuss how sometimes I am not always in the mood as much as he is but oblige to the idea of sex anyway because I love him and feel physically sick at the thought of him leaving. Don't get me wrong, sex with Liam wasn't unsatisfactory at all. I revel in it. I just remember it being much more exciting before things became serious with us. Now it just seems like something that is done for the sake of it. He doesn't make me feel as good as he used to in bed. Maybe the exhilaration has worn off now I've finally gotten my own way? I tell myself it's just the pressure I'm under to perform for him, and surely that subsides when we get more comfortable together. It's new to him as well.

"Do you think I'm bad at sex?" I ask sheepishly into the ever deepening silence.

There's a pause, so I gently lift myself up on his chest with my elbows. His eyes are shut and his mouth has fallen open. I smile to myself at how peaceful he looks and decide to bring up the question tomorrow instead. I roll over, the loneliness creeping over me now he isn't able to talk me into a soft slumber. I head in the bathroom instead and splash cool water on my face. Just looking at myself in the mirror makes so much doubt spring to my mind. I look so dull and unremarkable. I seriously question why he's with me when the majority of his past flings were a thousand times more visually appealing than me. Especially Jenifer with her silver hair and nine inch waist.

What does he see in me?

I pad back into my bedroom to be greeted with the comforting sight of the man I love so peacefully asleep in my bed. I snuggle up next to him, clinging onto his clammy skin for reassurance that he chose to be with me, regardless of the fact I don't deserve him in the slightest. I briskly glance at the clock and notice that the time is 11:11. I feel foolish, but decide to make a wish on the "magic" minute.

"I wish that Liam stays with me forever and never leaves me. I can't be without him." I think to myself before rolling over and being left with my thoughts until the morning. 

                                                               _______________________

After the rush of alarms ringing and showers running, I finally settle down to do my makeup. Liam stares in a mirror behind me which I have realised has become a very prevalent part of his narcissistic morning routine. We have settled into a rhythm after the amount of time we've spent together. It's blissful and something I never saw myself doing just mere months ago. We take turns to shower but he always uses the bathroom mirror while I use the one at my dressing table in my room. It goes like clockwork.