All Over You

Stages Of Grief

That night, I fell asleep with thoughts knotting themselves together over and over again. When I woke up, the sheets were twisted from all the thrashing about caused by my subconscious brain. I couldn't figure out Liam's behaviour or what to do about it. I couldn't forget what happened, but deep down I know I have forgiven him. Maybe that's why I spent ages in the mirror, trying on different outfits and playing with my hair for way too long. When I was finally satisfied, I jumped into the car with one thing on my mind. Unsurprisingly, I end up right outside his office. To my detriment, his lights were off and the door remained locked. I cock an eyebrow, crossing my arms firmly over his chest. It's unlike Liam to be late. 

I shrug, walking to my office. First time for everything. 

Every single time I step foot outside the cozy restraints of my office, I long to bump into him. The feeling reminds me of what it was like before we were together. When hopes of an encounter with him would light up my every step. Unfortunately, his door remained locked all day and I find myself pulling out of the car park incredibly frustrated. It's just like Liam to disappear all day when I am more confused than ever about the way I feel for him. I regret being on the brink of vindication. I know that deep down, I only dressed up for him today and am much more wound up by the fact he didn't get to see the effort I put in.

Much to my dismay, Liam's office door remained firmly locked and shut for the next day. Nothing but darkness existed in the tiny room which had previously been filled with so much emotion. I didn't cross his path at all that next day. Or the next. Or the next. 

By the fifth day, I had gone through all the stages of grief. He was probably just at home with the man flu but still I was frustrated, then miserable, then downright desperate just to catch a glance of him. I resent the way I feel about him, like an addict looking for a fix. He could make me feel countless emotions so deeply without even being here. The hold he had on me was remarkable if not slightly concerning. I had started to wind up Keira by repeatedly banging a pen on the desk without even noticing I had been doing it. I was so wound up by my lack of contact with Liam that I was becoming pretty unbearable with mood swings and borderline ADHD behaviour. I apologise to my colleagues and head down to the cafe to grab a hot chocolate while once again hoping I'd cross paths with the blue eyes man who has stolen my rationality. 

At the cafeteria, I order my beverage and step to the side of the counter to allow other customers their space while I wait. My eyes glance across the room and I can't help but fixate on that horrid metal table where Liam and I spoke. This was where he said he was sorry and that Hayley never meant anything. Little does he know, his words haven't left my mind since. I have to see him. I have to know if he meant it and reignite any hope left lingering for us. My eyes don't lift from the ghosts of days gone by until the barista calls my name. 

I head back up the stairs, drink in hand, but decide to take the lengthier detour to Liams office. The darkness of the room chills me somehow as I wander by. I halt in my tracks and gently brush my fingertips over the door handle. It is freezing cold, and unknown urges deep inside me make my hand jolt back immediately. There's something about this situation doesn't sit right with me. I enter a new phase of feeling - worried sick. It's so unlike him to miss a single day of work, let alone a whole week without a trace. 

I reach my own office, but halt around the corner for a moment. I deicide to stop being so useless and actually do something about the way I'm feeling. I lean my back against the corridor wall and hurriedly draft a text to him. I promised myself that after the way he treated me, I'd never reach out to him again. Of course I adored the idea of him chasing me and grovelling, existing only for me and begging me to stay if he promised he'd change. That fantasy never became reality, and even while texting him I feel disappointed in how fast my resolve has slipped. Either way, this is a desperate time and I need to make sure everything is all right on his side.