All Over You

Whiplash

The following week buzzes past and my wish finally gets granted. I barely see Liam. I wonder if he's avoiding me like I am him and I also consider the possibility that my comment really did hurt him. I shake it off, Liam never cared about me. Not enough to allow me the power to hurt him. I stick to my guns, Keira's words spinning around and round in my head. I need to stay away from him.

Still, nothing has really felt the same since and I find myself longing for some type of thrill and excitement, the type that used to be supplied by him. He was the dealer of my happiness and I lament the fact he cut off my supply. In the absence of joy, I try to find distraction instead. Maybe that's why I find myself sitting at my desk at eight o'clock on a Thursday night. I have gotten through everything I need to after transmission, but stay and stare into space now that I've run out of work. Being here is better than an empty home that used to be filled with Liam's laughter bouncing off the walls. This is how my evenings usually go. I can't face being at home alone so I stay here much later than I'm meant to. Even Keira and Geoff don't know that I've been doing this. 

My elbows rest heavily on my desk, my head in my hands. I can't stop thinking about how lonely I am. Before Liam, I was fine. I didn't rely on him at all and had everything I needed. After a taste of him I can't relent. I can't leave him alone. My feelings for him have deepened substantially in his absence and I hate it. Why can't I move on as easily as he has? He hasn't even bothered to text me at all this week, considering we used to text constantly, this has done my heart some damage. He never cared about me, he was just using me. I have to keep reminding myself of this fact so I'm not tempted to go backwards.

As if the universe could read my mind, a soft knock on the door drags me out of my depressive daydream. I swivel around and gasp at the tall, muscular figure in my doorway. It was all too easy. He stands with his palms raised as if to protest his innocence and protect himself from whatever sharp comment I was thinking of throwing at him. 

"I was just walking past and noticed you were still here so late." Liam's familiar accent chimes. He seems sheepish and so unlike himself as he hovers awkwardly in the doorway.

I sigh. "What's wrong?" I ask, knowing I can't resist him, despite what everyone says. Despite him proving his reputation is true. Despite Keira telling me in layman's terms to run. 

"I'm sorry for everything I said." He admits.

My heart softens, he seems sincere. Maybe he can change after all. Maybe he can be who I need him to be.

"It's okay." I gulp back tears, wishing he'd just leave. This exchange is too painful.

"No, its not okay. I just got scared but it's no excuse. I shouldn't have done that and I'm sorry. I didn't mean to push you away.  Can we please go back to the way we were?"

I nibble my lip. I know I'm giving in way too easily but my heart can't resist him at all. He has also previously admitted to me that he hates apologies and is so awkward with sincerity, so him making the effort means the world to me. I know for a fact that I shouldn't love him, but something deep inside me makes me unable to let go. Especially after a whole week of unrelenting pain in his absence. I had spent the whole time fantasising about him apologising and asking for another shot, now it's a reality. 

"How were we before?" I ask, tears brimming in my eyes.

He shrugs. "Together."

There's something about the way he's standing that throws me off. He's keeping his distance and he would usually be way too confident to do so. He would usually stride straight in. He almost seems afraid and I know he is so out of his comfort zone. Everything Keira said about staying away from him leaks out of my head and I want nothing more than to soothe the creases in his brow.