All Over You

I Lied

In the bath I remember the conversation he had with me when he turned up on my doorstep. He told me that we could never be together again and that he was just staying here as I was someone he could rely on. Has anything changed? Warm water covers me like a blanket as I chew on my cheek and decipher all the contrasting things he has told me lately. He says one thing and acts in a completely different manor. Are we slowly getting back on track amongst all the destruction or did he mean what he said in the first place? What if the kiss was just a minor lapse in judgement and by the time I leave the bath tub his mood will u-turn again and he'll say something hurtful?

While putting on a bright face of makeup I think about all the sex. We used to have so much sex when we were together, He couldn't keep his hands off me. I remember it getting to the point that I got tired of it, I wanted more than sex every five seconds. I kept it up to please him, so terrified he'd stray but he did anyway. My stomach lurches every time I think of it. I did everything I could to keep him and it still wasn't enough. Even though tiresome, I'd give anything to have him all over me again. We haven't had sex since we broke up, and I thought he'd for sure want me by now, especially naked. If we never got back together, I would still crave the intimacy from him.

While curling my hair, I think about all the uncertainty. Some days, I think Liam and I wont even last the next hour with our friendship in tact let alone the next few years as lovers. I want us to make it so desperately that its embarrassing. Yet, I don't know if he even wants me the way I clamour for him. He isn't the man I fell in love with. Albeit, I still love him. Will he ever go back to the fun loving, flirty and playful Liam or will he stay the aggressive, hurtful and depressing Liam forever? If he does, can I cope with that?

While changing into a low cut, silver dress I think about my feelings. I am so in love with him even through all the confusion, all the anger, all the things left unsaid and all the hurtful expressions. Even cheating didn't make me leave his side. It's as if the universe is telling me that we are soulmates and nothing can tear us apart. Liam and I are like velcro. No matter what, we fit back together and connect in whatever ways we can. I know deep down that I will never have this with anyone else. I feel for him in ways I have never felt for another.

I stalk downstairs and muster a smile for the man who has stolen my heart. He looks heart-wrenching, In a branded polo short and expensive looking jeans. Liam looks good 24/7, but I had forgotten just how refreshingly handsome he looks when making genuine effort. I had gotten so used to him in sweatpants and dirty t-shirts with crumbs lining his chest as he slumps further into the sofa. 

"Can you zip me up, please?" I ask.

His eyes widen at the sight of me. I've missed having that effect on him. He wanders over to me, and his fingertips graze my back in the most delicious fashion as he fulfils my request. He does it slowly to torture me, either to purposefully or not.

I wish to lean into his touch, but think better of it. We are in such a confusing place and I lose my mind when he's near. I only ever think about things after they happen. I can't be trusted alone with him or I'll give in once more. 

"I ordered us a cab so we can both drink." He informs me, placing one hand on my shoulder.

I freeze under his touch as the realisation hits. I am taking him to a pub. To drink. Liam does not drink well. Lately he turns aggressive, stalking away from me and yelling or slamming doors after a drop of alcohol. My blood almost runs cold at the thought of him screaming at me in front of all my colleagues. Maybe this was a really shortsighted idea. My stomach turns and I find myself mentally scrambling for excuses to stay home. 

"Come on." Liam urges, gently nudging me towards the door.

I follow him blindly without saying a word. I almost stumble out of the door, everything inside me urging me to stay here. We head into the taxi and he sits next to me, placing a hand on my thigh. It doesn't do much to reassure me. I know that although he is being so placid now, when he starts to drink he will end up malicious again. With Liam, things don't last too long. His cruel behaviour passes but so do his playful moments. Part of me is waiting for his mood to change now. I keep my eyes fixed on the road, listening to the soft clicks of the indicators. I am much too scared to add anything to the conversations in fear I will say the wrong thing and end up back where we started.