All Over You

Denial

What did I do to deserve this?

"I love you so much."

I roll my eyes, yet another morning of being subjected to the sickly romance of my former best friend. She perches on the kitchen counter, a cup of tea warmed between her slender fingers. Her boyfriend stands next to her, his hands respectfully placed on the outside of her thighs.

It's always been so easy for her. She gets her own way at the snap of her faultless fingers. Hayley is purely gorgeous, with her moisturised russet skin and soft hazel hair that just about touches the bottom of her spine. It's easy to think I'm jealous of her but the truth runs a lot deeper than that; we had a past.

I'll start with eighteen year old me, I grew up as an only child and was constantly at war with my parents. Irrational conversations always led to screaming matches that never ended. I was hit about by my father and cries for help were completely ignored by my mother. I decided to move out the day after my eighteenth birthday. It seems ridiculous now, but I didn't take any contact numbers to speak to my family, I just took my belongings and ran off, never looking back. I probably should've made the effort to patch things up but I'm not in contact with them to this day. Only half of me regrets it. They haven't bothered to come looking for me either. 

In my hurry to leave, I decided to stay with a girl from school who I befriended in my media studies class; Hayley. She took me in and I leant on her. Back in those days, she was tall and skinny - extremely skinny. She looked like you could snap her in half if you poked her the wrong way. Her face was littered with bumps while her lips were thin and crispy. The long hair she has now was chemically damaged and barely touched her shoulders. She was an outcast her whole life and was picked on throughout school. Hayley and I bonded over everything, including our rough childhoods, I told her everything about me - every dark thought. She was the only person I'd ever met who shared the same dream as me and had similar aspirations. We spent hours planning our futures. We'd both get a job in the television industry and work our way up till we could open our own studios ands employ our future husbands whom we'd marry in the same week in a joint event. The blissful laughter-filled evenings soon turned sour when we applied to university together, aiming to get into the same television course. She got accepted into her dream university and I was rejected.

I wasn't resentful, I was thrilled for her. I could tell just by looking at her face that she felt the guilt deep down in her bones. I promised her nothing would change between us. This was until she grew her hair and put on some weight, hanging out with a group of new girls she met at university. They had very different views on things to me and Hayley, but soon enough she took on their views and I became the outcast once again. I never thought she would treat me the way she used to be treated but it was a huge stab in the back. She spent her student loan on lip fillers and hair extensions, going out to parties every night - none of which I was invited to. She'd stumble home drunk and ignore me the during the day to recover before doing it all again the next night. I was completely isolated and spent most of my time in my room alone.  After that Hayley became a huge mess and kicked me out of her house to make room for her newer friends who loved partying much more than me. She was all I had, and I was stuck in a rut.

I ended up wasting my days with no real purpose and no real friends. I made sure to mope for a little, mourning the loss of my little flat and my school best friend. Even through all this, I had a fire burning inside me to prove to everyone that I wasn't a failure and could handle a job that required a large amount of intelligence (regardless of not getting into university.) Therefore, I applied for a small running job at a television company called Bramble Studios in London. I managed the interview and bagged the job, working harder than I ever had. I settled in well and eventually, I adored the life I had created for myself. I made enough money to rent my first home. It was perfect and petite, with a small wooden staircase leading to my modest bedroom. I spent months decorating each room how I'd dreamed of as a kid. I'd spend my nights hiding under the covers of a mattress thrown in a corner, imagining a day I'd have my own space. It was the only thing that stopped me crying back then. Having the vision come to life was one of my proudest achievements.