All Over You

Baited Breath

"You're so annoying." I reply lightheartedly, hiding the fact that the girl behind the screen has excitement swelling in her eyes. I wasn't joking when I said this could make or break us. He's so confident over text, far away from the face to face pressure of everything so he has a chance to say how he really feels. Our relationship has intensified so much since we began texting last week. It's a welcome addition to our usual routine of office chats. Now I start my day texting him, go to his office to talk, text all day, see him on the way out then text all night. I've never been one of those people who was glued to their phone, but I'm certainly becoming one - especially where Liam is involved. He has begun to consume my entire day and I am not complaining. 

"You don't fancy me then? :(" He types back.

I consider dropping the huge bombshell that I do right there and then, but know that iMessage isn't the place to do so.

"Not one bit"

"Thats a shame, cos I fancy u!"

It seems his language gets more informal with every new message, hinting that he is getting comfortable around me. Though this is Liam and he loves everyone, not ever stopping to consider other people's opinion of him. Maybe this is just what he does with his friends. After all, he does have other female friends. Maybe that's what he thinks I am. 

"You're a bad liar." I respond, refusing to take his words to heart. He can't mean it seriously.

I sit there for ages without hearing anything back from him, so decide to throw in the towel and head to bed. Strangely, the distance has turned my emotions completely. I begin to become very overwhelmed with everything in such sudden nature. Reality sets in like a slap in the face. I always expected us to get closer and text each other this much but I never expected to be so taken aback by it. He is playing with my emotions and I'm sure of it. Fancying Liam has been more exhausting than I'd ever dared contemplate. I could never hide my feelings for him, though I always knew deep down that we could never actually be together. As the days speed by and my feelings deepened, Liam and I have become more and more of a reality. The thought is terrifying. My feelings for him grow stronger with each passing move he makes, meaning the uncertainty is much more stressful.

I have already entertained the possibility that I love him. It's undeniably stupid, yet there isn't another explanation which defines my feelings so fittingly. I feel the most alive when in his presence to the point that being without him is almost painful. Liam has always been a fantasy to me, so the more attached I get the more painful it becomes to remind myself It's still just that. 

If Liam rejected me months ago, I would've been hurt but managed to pick myself up. If Liam rebukes my feelings now, I know I'll hit an all time low. I don't think there's any coming back from that. I curse myself out mentally for ever allowing my feelings for him to become so genuine. he has taken over my life without having clue he's done so. I have completely put myself in his hands, the thought petrifies me as I wrap the duvet over my head.

He hasn't responded to my message and questions circle my head all night, meaning I barely get any sleep. I wake up hourly to check my phone but receive nothing. Liam is so special to me that I doubt I'll ever feel the same way about another human ever. It's unusual for us to stop talking so abruptly, we usually say goodnight at the very least. My heart sinks when I wonder if he's with another girl right now... I just hope he doesn't shatter my heart, as he definitely has the capabilities to do so. 

The next morning, I mentally battle with myself to resist the urge to go in Liam's office. For weeks, I haven't managed a day without visiting him. Following the lack of sleep combined with the impending doom of our unattainable relationship, I'm unsure if I should logically keep seeing him. He's got way too much power over me and it makes me uncomfortable. Every moment spent with him, I get a little deeper into needing him. Loving him. The thought of cutting him off now and saving myself from further pain seems the most intelligent route to embark on, even though the reality of distance between us seeps deeper into my skin every day.