All Over You

Inseparable Or Intolerable

Keira sticks to her promise and arrives at my front door with a bottle of white wine a few hours later. There's a horrible pitiful expression painted on her face which I can only assume I will become well acquainted with as the weeks go on. She barely allows the door to swing shut behind her before pulling me into her arms, her warmth soothing the dull ache in my chest slightly. I have never been so grateful for her. I sob loudly onto her shoulder and allow myself to once again let go of all the sorrow I feel. She doesn't mind the snot and tears dripping on her blouse and I have never appreciated her more for sticking with me during my worst hours. 

We cuddle up on the sofa and finish the entire bottle, though I only ever see Keira have half a glass. There isn't even a hint of "I told you so" in her eyes, she just allows me to talk and explain to her how lost I feel. She understands me more than anyone ever has. I start to contemplate the reality that Keira has always been my soulmate and that I will forever be stuck with her and Alex's perfect relationship before dying alone. The thought of entertaining any other man makes me queasy. The truth is, I will miss Liam with everything I have. Being around him taught me what being alive felt like. I will miss the joy that comes from every breath spent in his company. Yet, the thing that sticks in my throat the most is the betrayal. None of it was real. Even picturing Hayley's name brings on a wave of nausea that hits so deep I feel dizzy. I can't stop replaying our final conversation in my head. 

Keira double and triple checks that I'll be okay to come into work the following day. I assure her over and over that I will cope and need the distraction. Laying in bed all day will only allow these menacing thoughts to overtake my brain. I will simply avoid Liam. Unfortunately, I realise I had made the wrong decision the second I walk into my office the next day and he's there. 

Taunting me by sitting on my desk and swinging his legs is the man I can't help but adore. I almost choke as he smiles at me like the last twenty four hours hadn't happened. It's as if he wasn't in my living room yesterday reaching out for me, telling me he was grateful for what I bought into his life. As if he didn't just throw it all away. I regret every decision that has led me here as his eyes shine into mine and I feel like the floor is slanting beneath me. I am sick of feeling uneasy on my own feet. Only Liam can make me feel this lost. 

I shouldn't have come here. I should've stayed home like Geoff did. However, the house was so empty and lifeless without Liam being his playful self. I had forgotten what it was like to live by yourself. Living without this yellow ray of sunshine that bought me so much joy. Without him, I didn't think I could bear a whole day inside driving myself crazy without distraction. Though, as I caked my face in makeup to hide the pain in my expression that just never seemed to dull, and threw on a casual dress to seem more put together than I was, I never expected him to be my first sight. I had previously doubted surviving the day without him, but now surviving the day with him seemed a much more of an impossible task.

I decide to ignore him, praying his presence has nothing to do with me. Surely he needs the head of department's attention. What can I offer him? I arrange my things on the desk around him, hoping he ignores me too. I also send a silent prayer that he doesn't see my shaky hands. I am once again greeted with that feeling of otherworldliness, the way my feet are planted solidly on the floor yet I still feel as if I am floating. I can feel his eyes on me and I want nothing more than to melt away while my heart drums in my chest. 

"Not even a hello?" he chuckles, draining all hope of an easy day out of me.

Hearing his voice almost makes me crack. I am so desperate to keep up this cold and unbothered act around him, vowing to never let him in again and show him exactly what he's lost. Still, him being here gives me such hope that he will fall to his knees and apologise, begging for me back. It's only a little part of me which wishes for this, but when he's near all I can think to do is fold into his arms. Unfortunately, his upbeat aura reassures me that it's all a fantasy. Liam is much too coy about his relationship life to ever divulge our situation again.