Mr. Lee

34

Right now Heeseung and Jaeje were sat on a bench in a small park, their food on the ground as they watched a few kids run around the playground.

Jaeje was still lost in her thoughts as she obliviated an entire plate of chicken, feeling disgusted but at the same time satisfied as she placed it down at her feet.

"You're uncomfortable again" Heeseung broke the silence as he ate his own food.

"What? " she asked, breaking out of her own head.

"Whenever you eat with me, you tend to look uncomfortable in your own skin, and you look around as if people are watching you, you did it yesterday and you're doing it again now" he explained.

"Sorry." she mumbled, thinking she was upsetting him.

"You have no reason to apologize" he sighed.

"I made you upset" she reasoned, voice still low.

"Yes, but you did nothing you should be apologizing for, I'm upset because you think that that's what I've thought about you this whole time" He explained, now looking visibly angry.

"Heeseung-" Jaeje tried to speak, but was abruptly cut off.

"No, I think I've let you believe what you want for too long, I have never once seen you in the way you described yourself, hell, the way you described yourself was so disturbing that it was like you had a record in your head constantly playing

I have no idea whether I've been too stuck in my own head to see how you degrade yourself or you have just been an ace in pretending like you don't lower your own self esteem" he started, feeling the need to air out all his thoughts.

"You-" Jaeje tried to start again, but was cut off once he made her face him, not liking how she always looked down or away.

"You want to know the first time I saw you? it wasn't at the lunch with my friends, I first saw you the day you landed in Korea and at that moment all I could think about was how beautiful you actually were, I don't think I'd ever been so disappointed about missing my chance before.

I saw you again at the mall and I was bursting with happiness at the chance to actually talk to you, but then I lost my chance again and felt like pulling my own hair out.

I've had girls who threw themselves at me, I've had girls who played hard to get, and I've had girls who flat out rejected me, but never have I had a girl used me the way you do, never have I let a girl use me the way you  have, and you think you were the only one doing it for attention? I thrived on every smile you gave, every hug you were willing to give me, every kiss you ever let me have,

At that point I didn't care if you actually fell for me or not, I was happy being the person you used for your own pleasure, because it gave me pleasure, that was the real win-win situation, you were happy then I was.

If I had known, even the slightest idea that this was what you were feeling instead, Jaeje I wouldn't have even looked at you the wrong way, not even a single touch, because now I realize that that's what you've thought this whole time and I feel so bad it's as if I've raped you, I've forced you into something you didn't want to do and enjoyed it" Heeseung went on, absolutely raging as he spat out the words, not even knowing who he was truly at.

Myself. He thought

How could I have been so fucking blind.

At this point Jaeje was finally letting her tears fall, feeling the wave of emotions finally crash over as Heeseung stabbed the words right into her chest.

"You know.. " she tried to keep her voice from faltering, breaking out a woah before she continued.

"I thought going into this would be what I needed, I thought it would get rid of the thoughts as time went on, I thought instead of pushing you away embracing your advances would be better

Remember when I told you I didn't like you? Remember I said I only liked your attention? I wasn't lying, but I wasn't telling the truth either, you know you were truly the first person to acknowledge me in any romantic way? Do you know how painful it has been to sit and watch Hyejin get all the attention half my life? Hyejin was the one with it all, the face, the body, the personality,

And everytime her and any of my other friends would start teasing me about a guy liking me I would nag them for it while silently enjoying the fact they even thought that, that someone seeing me that way was possible, but at the same time I was praying for them to stop, because I knew that I would never get that attention, and I didn't.

But then you came with your flirting and charming yet annoying personality and everytime I wished it was real, I wished a part of me had never seen you kissing that girl in your office, I wished I had been left alone to believe that you actually liked me, so that first time you kissed me, I wasn't even angry because I didn't give you permission, I was angry because it wasn't real, no feelings, no nothing.

So then I realized, who was I to demand for any of that, I should be lucky someone wanted me that way at all, because it hadn't happened before and the chances of it happening again were lower than a snake sliding on the floor, so I said I would take whatever attention you gave me and be grateful for it, because I wasn't going to get it anywhere else.

And I was, I really was happy on our date, the kisses, but that voice at the back of my head would tell me how pathetic I was everytime, that how desperate I was for attention made me no different than every other girl you'd every slept with

I didn't feel special when you asked me about the apartment, I felt like some prostitute mistress living off of somebody else's money, I have problems I dragged you into, I should have ended things, I'm sorry-" she couldn't bring herself to say anymore as she finally lett her sobs rack over her, not finding herself capable of producing any words as she sat there in guilt and self pity.

Heeseung pulled her into his chest as she continued to cry, her sobs only intensifying as she clung onto any comfort he was willing to give her.

"You're okay, we're okay" he pacified, burying his face in her hair as he let her cry it all out, feeling utter weakness as he could do nothing but let her finally let it all out.