Never be the same. - Vinnie Hacker

things we don't mean

"Liv!" He called after me. "Olivia!"

"What?" I turned around, my hair drenched from the perfectly timed Seattle rain.

"It's... It's not like that." Was all he could say.

"What is it then Vinnie?" I yelled.

He just stood there, it looked like he had a thousand words to say, but still he didn't. His hair was now flat against his face, he didn't bother to move it. In fact he didn't bother to do anything. He just stood there expecting me to just run back.

The sky bellowed with thunder, both of us looked up, and as I looked down I was met with his helpless stare.

"I do. I mean... I don't want to fight." He stuttered.

"I just can't do this anymore." I looked down at my shirt, it was soaked.

"Do what? Olivia just come in and talk-" He almost begged, taking a step closer.

"You've changed." I shook my head, looking at him with a confused expression.

"What do you mean?" He furrowed his eyebrows, probably because of the rain.

"You need to open your eyes Vinnie." I thew my arms out either side of me, "You just have no clue about how..." I stopped myself, in fear of sounding narcissistic. "...how I feel." I continued, not giving a shit about what I said now.

He looked down, he couldn't maintain eye contact. He looked up at me, the droplets over his sallow skin.

"I love you." He spoke. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I think what hurt me the most is that I hoped he did. I hoped and prayed for years that those words would finally fall out of his mouth.

And now that they had, it shattered me into a thousand pieces. My chest tightened in angst. I wanted him to mean it, I really did, but I knew he didn't. He didn't mean it like I did.

"I know you do." I shook my head.

Silence as the rain calmed into a pitter patter, matching my heat beat.

"Then why don't you believe me." He responded, after a moment of silence.

The truth was, I could see it all coming. The lies, the deceit. He wasn't ready. At this point, standing in front him, waiting for him to tell me the words with the same heartache that I felt. I realised he would never be ready.

"Please. Olivia." He stepped forward again, this time he was at arms length distance. "I just want to stop this."

I'd had enough.

"Stop fucking saying things you don't mean." I sobbed in desperation. All my emotions surfacing. As I ducked my head, wanting to collapse to the floor, his arms wrapped around me.

His cold, wet body somehow made me feel warm. All of me wanted to engulf myself into his presence but I couldn't move. It felt so wrong, not after god knows what he had done with her.

He noticed and held me closer, taking anything he could of me in his two limbs. His head resting on mine, one arm cradling my arms, one arm cradling my head, palm on my cheek. We let the rain swallow us whole.

When my breathing slowed, he lifted my head up to look at him. My eyes hurt to look at his gaze. His eyes darted around my sunken, makeup stained face.

"You love me?" I looked deeper into his eyes than I thought I could.

"Yeah, I just said I d-" He started to wipe my tears.

"Or are you in love with me?" I finished.

He froze in motion as I read his expression. In his silence, I knew his answer.