Seven Thousand Hours

Chapter 21| Believe in me

"I can't do this 7000 hours thing anymore. I need to leave" she said as she stepped back. Derek experienced what felt like a knife going through his chest. "What you you mean?" Derek said as he reached to touch her but she stepped back. "I can't do it anymore. I quit." She began to cry, she really didn't want this.

"Meri" Derek sighed. "What's going on? Maybe I can fix it" he reassured her. "You can't fix something when you're the problem, Der" she said, suddenly getting annoyed. "I know, I'm sorry. I got held up in a very important meeting. I tried to leave as quick as possible, I'm sorry" Derek tried to reason but she could see she wasn't having it. Meredith shook her head as tears streamed down her cheeks. "You told me you'd support me and do your best. I was so scared in there, Der. I was terrified and where were you?!" She shouted. "I know, I'm so sorry. I try to support you every step of the way, I was distracted this afternoon. I'm so sorry, Meri." Derek sighed as he hung his head down.

"That's not enough, Derek" she sobbed as she placed a hand on her chest, feeling it beat a million miles a hour. "Meredith" he said reassuringly, trying to reach for her hand. "Come on, slow down" he lulled her as he brought her shaking body into his chest, holding her tight. "Take a deep breath for me, Meri" he whispered. "Shh-slow down- slow down- shhhh- deep breaths-" he ushered and he held her tight until her body relaxed.

"I signed divorce papers last week, I had to have a meeting with my lawyer, that's why I was late. I'm so sorry" Derek said quietly. She pulled away, surprised by what he said. "You're divorced?" She asked quietly. He nodded. "Why didnt you tell me?" She said sadly. "Because you went through enough last week with Richard and your parents. And I signed the papers the night you were drunk. They were an afterthought when you were so drunk and saying all the things you said. I'm so sorry about earlier, Meri. Please don't leave" he said nervously.

"I walk into the OR with you and I know what I'm doing, I feel confident and I feel like I don't always need you there. But when I walk in alone, all I can hear is my mom saying how useless and ordinary I am. I need you in there with me, Der" she explained. Derek shook his head. "You don't need me" Derek said. Meredith frowned, ready to yell at him. "You just need some self belief that you are worth something, Meri. Because you are, you're incredible. You're talented, and caring and have a beautiful heart, and you're a great kisser" he smirked a little, making her laugh. "I just need you to believe in yourself. I know it feels like we have forever to go, but you just did an emergency surgery unassisted. That's incredible, Meri. Don't let Richard and your mom tell you any different. I'm your boss, your teacher and your friend and I am telling you that you are good, Meri. So good that sometimes I think you're better than me, and I have the ego the size of Texas." He laughed a little, making her laughed tearfully. "You've been through a lot this week, I get that, but I can't have you freaking out in the OR. It's your arena, you perform how you want, not to anyone else's tune, not to make Richard or your mom happy. You're an incredibly talented surgeon, Meri, specialising in the hardest specialty there is, that should be enough to prove anyone wrong. Even if you killed that woman, and you haven't, you are still incredible to me, because you had courage to walk in there alone and save that woman's life. I didn't know your mom too well, but I know her and Richard don't have a heart like you. They would have let her die, they wouldn't have done what you just did. I know the pressure gets too much for you, but do not doubt your talent and skill, Meri. You lead from the heart, and that's enough. That's enough for me. I'm not going to berate you for doing that. I'm not going to be like them, I promise, I just want you to believe in yourself." Derek said as he rubbed her back soothingly as he kissed the top of her head as she cried into his chest, knowing he was right.

He reached into his lab coat and pulled out his wallet, pulling out a small paper card. "I spoke to her after I lost William, my son. She helped me through a hard time and built back my confidence after I thought I lost it all. She will help you manage this anxiety you seem to get. You're stubborn, and I know you're probably about to yell at me, but she will help you, Meri" he smiled as she took the card and nodded.

"Come on, there's some pasta in the trailer for us and it's got our names written all over it" he laughed a little as she smiled sadly at him, taking his hand in hers as they walked over to the trailer.

Once they were settled on the sofa bed, watching some TV as they ate their pasta, Derek wrapped his arm around her and pulled her to his chest. "Do you want to talk about the kiss?" He said casually as he kept his focus on the TV. Meredith shook her head. "I made a big enough idiot of myself when I was drunk, I need to think this through" Meredith said as she pulled away slightly. "You remember what you said?" Derek asked. She nodded slowly. "Do you need some space to clear your head?" He asked again. She shook her head no but Derek could see she wasn't even convincing herself.

"I'll go check on our patient for an hour or so and give you some space to do whatever, okay? And then I'll be back and you can get some proper sleep because I'll get your pager silenced for you, okay?" He rubbed her back gently before standing up. She nodded. "Okay" she smiled as she snuggled down under the blanket.

Just before Derek left, she called after him. "Der!" She said. He turned to look at her. "Thankyou" she smiled at him. He simply nodded before leaving.

She looked around his trailer. I KISSED DEREK SHEPHERD! She began pacing as she recalled the night she'd been drunk and she talked about kissing him. And seeing him hot and sweaty the following day had triggered all sorts of sexual feelings towards him. And how Amelia and Lexie had taunted her about him all afternoon and she'd even bought new lingerie on the preface of it. After feeling his lips on hers, she knew there was no going back now. She'd fallen for him, and hard. And the desire to have him had been growing for months since the night at the bar but it was boiling over now to the point it physically hurt. All the teasing and flirting, the way he leaned into her when they sipped their morning coffee or they way he'd place his hand on the small of her back secretly when they entered the scrub room; all of it was hitting her at once and she needed him to kiss him again.

Deep down she knew she couldn't go after him right this second; after all, he was checking on the patient she may have just paralysed. But she knew that when he came back, she needed to talk to him, or just kiss him and screw the feelings because feelings suck.

Instead she tried to curb her frustration and impatience, walking into the bedroom and frantically closing the blinds and dimming the lights. She stripped of her clothes and climbed into his bed. He did say after all to do whatever to clear my head.

She grasped her breast with one hand, sighing at the feeling that sung through her body. She was too damn impatient for any of this, reaching over and grabbing a small vibrator she'd thrown in her bag when she'd first moved, not necessarily expecting this to ever happen but at least she'd be prepared, and anyway, the girl has needs too.

She parted her thighs and turned on the small vibrator, gently pressing it to her clit, gasping in pleasure. It'd been months since not only she'd had sex but since she'd had an orgasm. She'd been too busy with work, and in the free time she did have, she was with Derek or in his trailer, and she'd never get the chance to give herself one.

"Fuck" she moaned as she changed the setting, suddenly remembering Derek shirtless and how low his shorts hung on his hips. "Oh" she moaned as she continued to press the vibratory to her clit, making her whole body throb with the need to release. "Mmm Derek" she gasped as she began imagining him fucking her with his mouth, or pounding into her relentlessly. "Fuck- fuck- ah-" she began gasping for air as her orgasm reached for a new peak, one it'd never been to before.

Suddenly she heard a voice shout over her, "Meredith!". Her eyes shot open, seeing him stood at the door of his trailer, his eyes wide and his scrub pants growing tight...