Seven Thousand Hours

Chapter 46| Drunken drabbles pt.2

"Derek, let me explain" she said as she walked over to him. "Explain what?!" He suddenly screamed at her, louder than he ever had done before. "I was pissed off, okay?" She sighed as she leaned against his desk in defeat. Derek watched her carefully, instantly feeling guilty that he'd yelled.

"Meredith." He said as tears sprung in his eyes. She could barely look at him. "Meredith, what's happening to us?" He whispered as he came closer. "I don't know, Derek" she began to cry as he looked to him. They paused for a minute. "I don't understand you, and you don't understand me" Meredith said quietly. Derek sighed, knowing she was right.

"What don't you understand about me?" Derek said as he sat on the sofa. She joined him and gently grabbed his hand. "I don't understand why you keep doing this to yourself" she sighed sadly. "Do what?" Derek asked. "Self sabotage. Bring yourself into work when you're clearly not ready, just to prove a point to me" she said.

Derek groaned in frustration as he stood back up. "One minute I'm not trying enough and the next minute I'm trying too hard. Make your mind up!" Derek said. "I've told you Derek what I want from you, to go back to therapy and go back on your pills" she explained sternly. "Then when you feel like it, you come into work. Not force yourself like you have done today." She continued on. He sighed. "I don't want to go on my pills, Meri. Can't you understand that?" He said. "No, I can't. Because they help you and you are refusing help. We went through something traumatic and you're pretending like it never happened" Meredith said.

Derek laughed a little. "I pretend it didn't happen because I don't remember most of it" he suddenly grew frustrated as he stood off the sofa. She watched him as he tugged on his hair. "Careful of your scar, Der-" she said but he stopped her. "I KNOW, OKAY?!" He screamed at her. She jumped up. "I can't talk to you when you're like this" she said as she made her way to the door. "Like what? Depressed, miserable, angry?" He said. "Like I lost my function in my hand, or that I have a hole in my skull, or that I can never operate again?!" He shouted. "You can't talk to me when I'm like this? Well never talk to me again because this is who I am now and you clearly can't love me for it!" He said as he turned to his desk.

"Derek Shepherd that is not true!" Meredith said. "Oh it is Meredith, we both know it" he grumbled at her. She sighed in disbelief. "I can't love you because you shut me out. I don't know how I'm meant to help when you won't let me in" she said as she waved her arms around. "I let you in." Derek demanded. "No you don't. You won't talk to me about anything, you obsess over me but you won't even let me see your wrist!" She gestured to his arm. Derek looked down at it before yanking up his sleeve and holding his wrist up.

"Is this what you want to see? My mangled wrist that is now my biggest insecurity, Meredith? Is that what you're wanting?" He accused her. Her heart dropped a little when she learned that he hid it because he was insecure. "I just want you to feel comfortable around me. I'm not saying flash it to everyone but you clearly don't feel comfortable around me. And that's okay but I need to know to try understand" she began to cry. He sighed as he came back to the sofa and brought his arm around her.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Let's just take a minute" he said before taking a deep breath. "I didn't realise you were insecure about it" Meredith sniffled as she laid her head on his shoulder. "You're right, I didn't tell you. You couldn't have know" he said before kissing the top of her head. "I'm sorry. I just- I feel so guilty" he said sadly as he looked to his hands. Her heart broke a little. "You've been blaming yourself?" She gasped. He nodded. "Derek...no." She shook her head. "I booked the vacation, I took the shortcut, I pulled out onto the road. It was my fault" Derek said clearly. She shook her head. "And I should have had sex with you in your car when we landed, or told you I was pregnant and the viewpoint like I was going to. There were so many probabilities that day that could have changed what happened but we didn't. It happened. And it was no one's fault." Meredith said sternly. Derek still couldn't accept that truth but he nodded anyway.