Seven Thousand Hours

Chapter 33|I can't do this...

A week had passed since their small argument on Christmas but despite that, Derek had come back for her and agreed to drop the subject if that was what she wanted- which she did. Things certainly still felt a little awkward ever since. She wasn't mad at him, he had the right to be frustrated, but she couldn't understand herself either, but even the way he kissed her goodnight or talked her through a new surgical process felt tense.

Derek wasn't annoyed that she was denying the opportunity, he was frustrated that even after all this time, all the emergency solo surgeries, all the therapy, even the government wanting her, and she still didn't feel like it was enough to prove her mother wrong.

It was now New Year's Eve and they were both doing the night shift. "Hey, I got you coffee" he said as he smiled at her, sliding her cup along the table. "Thanks, Der" she said as she focused on a bit of paper. "What's that?" He asked. "My fellowship applications" she mumbled. He sat back in surprise. "Meri, the deadline for that is in-" he glanced to the clock. "3 hours" he said carefully, sensing she was already freaking out.

He looked at her longingly. "Meri-" he started but she pushed herself out the chair. "I need to speak to my friends" she mumbled before quickly leaving to go to the lobby.

"Hey, you hitting Percy's New Years party?" Cristina asked as she got out her seat. Izzie, Alex and George joined the two. "Can't. Gotta keep up with the hours" Meredith shrugged nonchalantly. Cristina rolled her eyes which Meredith noted. "What?" Meredith asked. Cristina shook he head. "Cristina." Meredith said in an accusing tone, making her flare up in anger.

"No, you know what? You and Shepherd can screw it." She mumbled as she grabbed her bag. "I told you, Cristina, if I want to be an attending, I have to do this. I know you don't like him but I need this" Meredith said, waving her arms around frustrated. "You were never like this, you know? You never were sappy over a boy. He's changed you." Cristina snapped at her. Meredith was gobsmacked.

"He's changed me? You're mad because I found love? Is that all you think he's doing for me!" Meredith exclaimed. Cristina let out a humorous laugh. "I thought you'd be happy for me. I went for my career! I chose my career! I never chose to fall in love with him. I put my career first, I thought that's what you wanted of me? But now you're mad that I got both love and the focus on my career?!" Meredith shouted at her.

"You're in love with him?" Izzie asked shocked. Meredith ignored her. "Cristina!" Meredith warned. "No, you know what, he did change you. You wanted to prove to your mom that you were something special, and instead you fell in love with Shepherd and let him do all the work for you. Sleeping with an attending doesn't get you far, Meredith!" Cristina snapped back suddenly.

"My mom has nothing to do with this!" Meredith exclaimed. "She has everything to do with this!" Cristina shouted. "She has everything to do with this because you were meant to prove her wrong, and instead you proved her right!" Cristina said. "Dr Yang!" Meredith's eyes filled with tears when she heard his voice. "We were meant to get through this together. Ditch the guys and focus on our careers, and you left me!" Cristina accused as she threw a finger in Meredith's face.

"NO! That's what you wanted! Of course I want to be a surgeon, but living up to my mothers expectations was not what I wanted. Derek helped me see that, that there was more to a surgeon than just cutting. You're jealous! You're jealous because Burke couldn't handle how career greedy you actually are and now you're pissed at me for the same reason! I'm not apologising for falling in love!" Meredith shouted. Cristina stood back, shocked at what Meredith just said.

"Then I won't apologise for saying that your mother was right: you're no more than ordinary." Cristina said before grabbing her things and rushing away.

Meredith stood there in shock as tears filled her eyes. Alex, Izzie and George looked amongst themselves before Izzie looked to Derek who was stood behind Meredith. "Meri" he said quietly. She turned around, realising he'd heard all of that. He stepped forward, reaching out a comforting hand but she stepped away. "Meredith" he repeated as he watched the tears fall from her eyes.

She pushed past him but he grabbed her small frame. "Just leave me alone!" She screamed at him suddenly, catching everyone's attention. She ran off upstairs and didn't look back.

"I-I- should g-go find Cristina" George stuttered as he grabbed his things. "George..." Derek warned. He shrugged. "Meredith said hurtful things too" he mumbled before walking away. Derek looked to Izzie and Alex.

"Just give her a minute" Alex said. Derek was unsure, he just wanted to go make sure that she was okay, but he chose to believe her friends, that maybe forcing her to talk wasn't always the answer.

They all at down in the chairs. "So she's in love with you?" Izzie broke the ice as she looked to him. He smiled a little, remembering Christmas Eve night. "Yeah" his voice went soft. "I told her I loved her last week." He smiled. "We've been giving it a try, seeing if dating would work" he said. They both nodded and smiled. "She's hard work, isn't she?" Izzie asked him. He nodded. "Unbelievably" he sighed. "But I wouldn't have her any other way" he continued with a small smile. "I love her so much" he laughed nervously under his breath. "If you hurt her, I'll hurt your face" Alex mumbled. Derek nodded and let out a little laugh.

"She's been offered a job with the government. She's been offered it but won't take it because she doesn't think she's capable or deserves it. I thought we were making progress, I thought she was gaining some confidence but suddenly she's backing away, and now Cristina's said that and I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to fix this." Derek sighed as he hung his head low.

"She's stubborn, but she cares. And there's no one she values or admires more in her life than you, boyfriend or not. As her mentor, you gave her more than just the chance to be a neuro-surgeon. You gave her the chance to escape her moms shackles. She just needs time, Derek. Don't take it personal. She just needs her mentor right now, and even better if you can also be the person she gets to fall asleep next to. She needs you, all of you, but you have to let her breathe, okay?" Derek nodded understandingly.

Meanwhile Meredith was pacing his office as she picked at her nails violently. Cristina is right, my moms right, Richard's right. No good, lousy, ordinary surgeon and human. You can't do this, you're not even half way yet. The only way you'll be successful is if Derek drags you through this. Derek doesn't deserve this. It's not fair.

I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this...