Diary of a Trans Girl: The Revival Of The Diary

Sunday 09th April 2023

Last time I did a diary it became so huge and popular that I began to add in details that were so personal that people around me became hurt and upset. It cost me friendships. This time I won't be letting it get to my head and won't go into that much depth.

I'm Jane, I'm thirty, neurodivergent and transgender. I've recently had a major falling out with family and moved in with a good friend and a girl I had a serious thing with. Yes, it was more like a summertime romance but it was enough to change the course of both of our lives dramatically. That was over ten years ago and I seriously hate remembering how horrible I was to her before my egg broke. (A term that transgender people use to refer to the time before they realised they were transgender). If I could I'd go back in time I would slap my past self. I treated her so poorly and she was nothing but an angel. I think back then I didn't even know what love really was. I was a horny teenager looking for someone to adventure with so as to not be alone. These days I'd give anything to be with a girl like her. Someone who cares so much and has a generally nurturing nature to them.
So this year has been hard for me, first of all I lost my flat due to the current rental crisis. Then I had family cruelly turn their backs on me. It has sadly come to the point where I no longer care for my heart. I have a heart condition where my heart may give out in my forties. I just don't feel like I have anything to really live for these days. I once thought to live for others, for love and for family. The thing is, I dont really have any of that any more. I mean there is one thing perhaps two but well, I'm leaning closer and closer to non-binary these days. It fills my life with a slight purpose. I'm used to running away from my problems and a large part of me just wants to get work, go into a queer share house and find my purpose for living once more. My current partner wants me to not work, to go on a pension and to live a life that doesn't suit me, that will drown me. We have different goals and wants so I can't see it working out for much longer. My options are few and far between though. I know if I stay in the same rut I'll end up trying to kill myself again. Yes I'm one of those trans statistics and now that my own mother has revealed her transphobia that only solidifies it more. I'm not suicidal anymore and feel like I'm slowly gaining purpose in other areas so life is improving.

Now, this is the first entry in my revival diary, the diary of a trans girl. If anything offends you, please notify me and I'll rectify it.
-Jane