Diary of a Trans Girl: The Revival Of The Diary

Tuesday 20th of June 2023

So my police check got flagged as needing to be manually processed. I have only days to get it back and being manually progressed means it can take up to six weeks. I then did another fast-tracked one but my head is telling me that knowing I have a pending case coming up soon after I start work, that might affect it.

It's not like I try to be anti-social. I attempt to take myself out of my comfort zone and converse with people. Half the time I say something that makes me feel ridiculous. It's a mix of being both shy and a loner. Yes I'm introverted and enjoy not having to socialise with people I barely know. I find it difficult to put myself in social situations but I do endeavour to. Most people like me even if they just know me as the awkward and quiet girl I often come across as. That is of course until they truly get to know me and realise that I'm clever, impulsive and endlessly kind. I just have difficulty being social in group settings and with people that I barely know. Before hormones, I was still awkward but I was more ambiverted. Now I suppose I'm afraid of my own voice and the judgements of others from me being trans, which has definitely caused me to become far more introverted and in general scared of people. I tell people I'm "fragile" and by that I mean that I can get physically hurt much easier than before I started hormones and I also mean that I'm likely to burst into tears if someone upsets me.
A is doing research into what it means to be queer and I think maybe how it works dating a trans woman as a woman. I totally get that of course. I mean I don't completely understand what a cisgender woman might like from a transgender woman, in a sexual capacity I mean. My last girlfriend was very sex-positive and often seduced me even when I didn't want it. Well, that was more like she would get angry if I didn't do it that is. Things are completely different with A though. She was my first love after all. Sex comes naturally to us and we find ourselves lost in our passion and our love almost every night. Even during the day, we find ourselves feeling that emotional and intellectual connection, not in a sexual way but in a romantic and intimate way. The feeling of just being close to one another. I know it certainly makes me feel happier, and more content and I guess boosts my self-esteem.
I'm not sure if I've mentioned it recently but just so my readers know; it's pride month! So be proud of who you are and spread the love!
-Jane