Gosh, when I look at my life now compared to a year ago.. I was in a toxic abusive relationship and about to become homeless because she was refusing to give up her pet mice.
A family member let me go live with them only for that ex to drive a wedge between me and said family member. To be honest that wedge was already there, she just nudged it to the breaking point. It was like, ignoring the racist comments, the bigoted ways that family member lived and lastly the underlying homophobia and transphobia.
I know that a lot, a hell of a lot of trans and queer people in general, put up with that from closed minded family members and I can tell you that I feel your pain. I really do.
I now have a family, people I care about deeply. I have friends that I'm comfortable around. I have a small community. All things I've never really had before. I'm so close to the future I've always wanted. Some cynics might say that I'm gaslighting myself. Giving myself false hope. I don't believe I am though. I'm honestly happy where I'm at and where I'm currently going.
Having long QT has been the only thing playing on my mind lately. I'm used to having palpitations and pain in the chest however lately, I've had palpitations that have been causing my left side to go numb. I'm trying to live stress free and take time for my own mental health. Doing things I enjoy and going for bike rides by myself for a bit of a mental break. It's not really my mental health, when I am on my meds I'm generally in a happy headspace, it's merely my capacity for holding on to stress. I believe I have trouble letting go of it.
I still feel like I'm judging myself harshly for how I handled certain things in my past. Even just these last few years. I handled things poorly and I don't want to do that any more. I don't want to live with regrets. Sure there are people out there who would like to see me seriously hurt. Ex-family, ex girlfriend's, exjoyfriends and even ex friends. Does that cause me stress? Somewhat. I would like those people to let go of it. Living with hate is so messy. I don't hate anyone for how I've been treated and I accept that absolutely everyone is welcome to have their own opinions.
My opinions just happen to be pro-queer, pro-black Lives Matter and pro-choice. I know that a lot of people are against all of those. Even some readers of this will be. That's just life and I if it makes you angry and just hope that you won't hold onto that anger. I suppose if I had one wish I'd ask that nobody ever lived holding onto hatred. Maybe that would make the world a better place. Of course I know that there's a lot more wrong with Humanity than that, but hey, letting go of hatred would be a good start.
-Jane
YOU ARE READING
Diary of a Trans Girl: The Revival Of The Diary
Non-Fictionmy second attempt at writing a diary. Without the conflict I caused by my first. the inner thoughts and feelings of a trans girl as she goes through her day to day life
