Diary of a Trans Girl: The Revival Of The Diary

Saturday 22nd April 2023

Having no space can be overbearing. This is why I want separate places from my partner. I feel smothered and need breathing space. Whereas she just wants to be included in everything and has no idea of space. I guess I'm annoyed and shouldn't be complaining to my readers. I spend time with people to help them and in order to build them up and help fortify a positive mental health. As that's a major part of my personality. Whereas my partner comes for her own entertainment. It's exhausting and makes me want to scream into a pillow. I more or less just want my own place where I can be a hermit at this point. I just want to shut myself away and read books or write stories. A few people say I shouldn't give her any more chances and just break up with her completely. She says she has nowhere to go so can't leave just yet so I suggested going back to dating and restarting things properly. If we just date at least I'll have time for myself and to spend with friends away from her. (I'm just gonna sit back and wait for the messages, texts and possible comments about that!)

Today I want to talk about that weird connection between our old lives before transitioning and the difference that is now. Before my transition, I personally never felt like I fit in anywhere. I was always an outsider and didn't understand why I felt that way. Now I'm one of the girls and most people can't even tell I'm transgender. When I tell them, they're surprised. Though the biggest difference that bothers me (and I've found it bothers others as well) is going from a straight cisgender male to a transgender lesbian female. People who once saw me as some kind of sex symbol now see me more like family. My feelings haven't changed, I'm just more in touch with my emotions. Some lesbians aren't in touch with their feminine side or emotions. So that's more of a personal thing for me than a lesbian thing. I still see myself as a sex symbol. I May not be a handsome alpha male like I was before but I rock at life, support the shit out of people and make people feel good just by being around me. (That does sound like the walking definition of the friend zone doesn't it?) I was always a leader, a person that people followed and admired. Now I choose to walk beside people and listen to their knowledge. I'm not a leader or an alpha anymore. I'm the reliable one. The friend you can always count on. Do I have to shave my hair to a buzz cut and wear tank tops to be seen as an alpha again? Are femme girls just the betas of society and not a sex symbol? In my head, there's nothing hotter than a girl who cares for others but knows how great she is as well. THAT should be a sex symbol. Fuck assholes that walk around topless showing abs or cleavage. That's just toxic ass behaviour that puts the female agenda back a generation or two. A girl that knows she's great and shows she cares is way hotter to me any freaking day! I suppose it comes down to attitude as well. Maybe I don't show the attitude that I think I do. Though from how many girls and guys that flirt with me in public, I think I do show that attitude. I like it as a confidence boost but that's about it, since I need a connection with someone before I feel anything at all.
I just want to finish this by saying that I do have feelings for my partner. I'm trying to do what I can to make things feel healthy once more. She's honestly trying but it does feel like she's only half listening to what I have to say which just makes things so much more difficult. As a matter of fact, I've started to daydream about single life from how bad things have been. I know that's bad but things just feel so complicated with her.

-Jane