Diary of a Trans Girl: The Revival Of The Diary

Saturday 29th of April 2023

Being neurodivergent I oftentimes say something because I'm concerned about someone I care about and I say too much. Foot-in-mouth disease and all that. I've lost friends that way for many years. It makes me feel stupid and pretty worthless at times. Especially when I lose someone I consider a best friend. That happened when I was in my late teen years I believe. Then again a few times until I transitioned. I blame myself so much for it. You might argue that "Hey Jane your neurodivergent, you can't help it". But hell no, It's my own fault for crossing the line of caring too much. 
Now though I worry about crossing that line all the time. It makes me think of finding another home. Leaving my friend before I say something I regret. I just feel so stupid for always crossing that line.
I've thought about some people from my past lately. Sweet people that loved me and I let them down. My pen pal that turned romantic, Jypsie. I promised her adventure and love and in the end, I gave her neither and she wound up being hurt. There were so many other friends I promised the world to and failed to deliver on that promise. I told my current partner tonight that I'd try to make it work even though I resent her for the things she's put me through. So yet another promise of the world i most likely wont be able to keep. Being a woman with only female friends who is also attracted to females is so difficult. I want to be there for all my friends but go way overboard in caring, I develop feelings which are nearly always mutual and then screw things up.
Do you want to know the most screwed-up part of it all? I'm stuck, in a repetitive cycle. I start fresh, get close to people. End up crushing their feelings. Hate myself and then run away only to start fresh again. I've done it for nearly 15 years now. A never-ending cycle of enabling which ends up toxic which then leads to self-loathing. Examining that cycle leads me to think that I'm toxic. I'm not a good friend to have. I try way too hard, promise my friends the world and then leave them with feelings of hurt. Same as my partners. Maybe I do need counselling. To work out that line between caring too little and too much. To put my own hurt behind me. To be able to develop healthy relationships. I've been thinking about all my options and I'm so conflicted by what the right choice may be. I want to stop running away. To have a home I love and don't see as temporary. I have court in a little over 2 months and part of me wants to deal with it and then make drastic changes to my life. To not run away but to make changes that will bring me stability. I won't run away anymore. I'm putting my foot down on that. I will end the cycle and that's how I'll start.
I'm now thinking about some of those in my past and will likely look them up. See how much better they are doing than me and hate myself. Another cycle most adults find themselves in.

-Jane