Diary of a Trans Girl: The Revival Of The Diary

Friday 28th of April 2023

It's common for aromantics and asexuals to feel broken. We're taught that attraction is the norm for everyone. Well, I went on a date today with my partner to attempt to rekindle my feelings for her. The date was my suggestion and yet I felt no feelings come to the surface. I felt completely aromantic. That made just feel so broken. Like I write romantic stories and yet I can't feel those feelings personally. Am I that broken because of that family members? My worst fear of being stabbed in the back becoming a reality scarred me so much that I can't even let my partner of 2 years in. She's trying harder than she ever has to be a supportive partner and an amazing friend. Yet my walls are so raised from being crushed that I can't even comprehend having feelings towards her. That makes me feel so very broken. This has only ever happened once before when I first started hormones and the things I'm attracted to changed. I had to leave that partner of 5 years because I lost all feelings for them. Now I feel the same and those feelings are just feeling impossible to rekindle. She doesn't want to lose me but the truth is she already has. I just feel nothing. I want her to be happy but I can't bring her that happiness.
I am finding a lot to live for myself now though which is rekindling my want for self-care a lot. I now have a godchild that I mean a lot to and who means a lot to me. I'm bringing happiness to the life of my friend and I've had time to contemplate things a lot more. What I want for my life. Where I want to go and who I want in my life. I have options and I'm repairing relationships with other friends and family members. I've been living with my friend for a month today and I feel like it's done wonders for my head. I just feel very aromantic and asexual towards my partner. I still care about her and appreciate her of course though.

-Jane