Once again I feel that emotional time of the month. Hormones are everywhere and I feel mixed about my emotions. The smallest things make me mad, sad or upset in general. I feel less social than I've been lately but I'm still trying. What's been on my mind today is my heart. When you start hormones they ask you a series of questions to see if they're safe for you. Having migraines and heart problems are at the top of the no-hormone list. I get both. That's because estrogen introduced into your system can cause blood clots. Well I already have a heart condition which I denied when I went on hormones. I'd rather live a life as Jane the happy Trans girl than the horrible person I used to be. The thing is though, heart probables and strokes run rampant in my mother's side of my family and I have prolonged QT interval on top of diabetes. I think that if I lived with anger in my heart like I used to, well I'd have a heart attack a lot sooner. I'm hoping I can keep on top of it but I'll likely have a heart attack or even just bad heart problems as I get older and will almost certainly need a pacemaker. I try to live a relaxed lifestyle and to not let stress get to me but having the sudden strong hit of depression that this time of the month causes, well I can't help but feel stressed about things.
People who know me, well they know me to be relaxed, always happy and always joking. That's because I love my life, I want to live as long as I can as the person I am now and to not worry about the past or future, to fully embrace the present.
A says she can tell when I'm hiding how bad things are. Today I had heart pain for most of the day after waking up with a migraine, that migraine went away by late morning luckily. I get chest pain very occasionally and try to keep myself calm and relaxed when I do.
I guess I don't want anyone in my life to worry too much about me. I want everyone to live happily without those worries.
So keep in mind how lucky you are if you can go on hormones without health concerns or if your health issues stop you from going on hormones. So many trans people struggle to get on hormones and yet it means the world to us. Especially when we finally do get on them. I mean not all trans people want to go on hormones. I was one of them of course, I wanted it and yes I lied and maybe one day that will catch up with me. Maybe one day they'll change me to a safer version but I really couldn't imagine life without hormones. They help me be who I'm meant to be.
-Jane
YOU ARE READING
Diary of a Trans Girl: The Revival Of The Diary
Non-Fictionmy second attempt at writing a diary. Without the conflict I caused by my first. the inner thoughts and feelings of a trans girl as she goes through her day to day life
