Diary of a Trans Girl: The Revival Of The Diary

Friday 30th of August

I have had a defeated self-esteem since trying to kill myself last year. Only recently has it begun to feel like I can live life with goals for the future in mind again.

I started this mental health course with the goal in mind of bettering the lgbt+ world in my own way. Now I've done placement and I want to go ahead and work as a wellbeing counsellor in the secondary school setting. To be a safe person people can approach when they find themselves questioning their sexuality or gender.

Having that as a goal might be enough to raise my belief in myself. There have been many times I've felt worthless and hopeless. Lately, though, it's felt a lot less.

My family broke me, my past relationships had me questioning myself and life had me spiralling. Now after being able to help kids with their mental health I've found a passion that can help drive me. Yes I've lacked drive for many years now. Having my hopes crushed over and over again by a broken system has done that to me.

Now perhaps this trans girl has found the drive she needs. A spark of something great. Perhaps even enough to push me to continue taking steps towards a full transition.

So far I've put energy into being the best partner and parent I can be but now I know with hope that I can be even better. That my passions have been relit and given me a drive I'd all but lost.

I have goals. I want to work in mental health and build my skills enough to work in youth work with kids who need a queer mentor to help guide them through that difficult time in their life. I want to be not only a good mother to my boys but a great one. I want to be a supportive, loving and attentive partner and one day wife to my girlfriend. I want to keep living with a drive for not only the future but whats going on now in the present. Those are my goals.

Friends I have, mentors and networks I've created and gained. Now I'm ready to face life with a smile and be prepared for its challenges and small miracles. This means I'm not holding onto a past that hurts me anymore. I'm moving on from those that hurt me and I'm going to show wisdom and courage to face both today and tomorrow.

Just a side note, Estrogen can cause depression to grow more severe if you already have it before taking hormones. Mine was stable when I started but when life through trauma and challenges at me I found myself only getting worse. It's taken me years to come to terms with myself and my low self-esteem. So just keep that in mind if you're starting hormones. It may not feel like it's affecting your mental health but being more in touch with your emotions certainly makes it feel impossible at times.
Finding oneself and a purpose can help but it's different for everyone. Seek help if you feel like you're spiralling or falling into a state of depression.

-Jane