Diary of a Trans Girl: The Revival Of The Diary

Monday the 29th of July 2024

I had a slip-up the other day. A red traffic light moment as its known in the PTSD community. I lost control and found myself in a fist fight, I've been going over the moment over and over again and internally screaming at the stupidity of it ever since.
Yes a person with PTSD really shouldn't blame themself when pushed so close to that edge but hey I also have OCD which means I constantly find faults in myself.
I'm trying to move past it by focusing on the fact that I live my life mostly in the green traffic light zone. I'm away from my mother and her side of my family which is one of the biggest causes of stress in my life. I generally enjoy my life. My partner listens to me and considers what I have to say. I've been making so many connections and healthy relationships with friends and family. That's why I don't often bring up that I have PTSD but hey a lot of trans people go through horrific trauma, some of us daily. So PTSD would be common amongst us, at least to some degree anyway. I have it bad because of my childhood so mine is pre-transition stuff and a little bit from some trauma I've gone through due to how some people treated me as a trans woman.

I've been studying at Victoria University and I've been thoroughly enjoying it. I would even consider doing a bachelor of social work later in life. For now, I'm focusing on mental health and possibly youth. When I was a teen I really wanted to work in youth work, helping kids on the street to go straight (as in not end up in jail). Now I just want to help people recover from their trauma and move on with their lives, much like I have.

99% of it is behind me, the trauma that is but having PTSD, it will always affect me and be there in the back of my mind. When I was younger I used alcohol to soothe the pain. Now it's just a tablet a day and living in a state of mindfulness that helps me to not dwell on things so badly.

I've had some people from my past apologise to me recently, they start with "I don't know if you want to hear from me but.."
The truth is that I don't hold onto hatred like that. I don't hold onto grudges against people I've cared deeply about. Why should I? It just leads to poor mental health, to anger issues and to further the PTSD that daunts me. I'm happy to hear from people, as long as they themselves don't hold onto any grudges themselves.

I'll admit, as a trans girl that's both easier and harder than before I transitioned. Before transitioning I had the protection of acting like a stoic male that things just bounced off of. Now I have deep emotions, feelings, and new ways of thinking. I  feel like I should have that invincible wall that bullets bounce off of but it's just not possible for me as who I am now which leaves me with concerns about being wounded by people again. That feels like it would be common for T girls in the same position. We had that act but now it's just not possible anymore. Bottling up feelings like a cisgender male is like a war on ourselves that just can't be committed now that we have that self-love. That's just my thoughts on it anyway. One T girls opinion on the matter.

Anyway that's enough of these deep thoughts for today. Catch you all next time.

Jane.