Diary of a Trans Girl: The Revival Of The Diary

Friday 1st of September 2023

Sometimes I worry that I show too much affection and it annoys my partner. I've had it for a long time. Since I dated a girl in school and showed affection that wasn't reciprocated. Though I know that's me being irrational. A shows as much affection to me as I do with her. Still, I worry that my being so emotional bothers her. Yeah, I know it's as easy as asking her but oftentimes people don't tell you these things. So sometimes I just back off and wait for my partner to show affection, which A always does. I'm not questioning my relationship with her. I just question my behaviour. Whether it's irrational.
Because I do have PTSD, obsessive compulsive disorder and anxiety from before I even started transitioning which often makes me question if my behaviour is rational. Or maybe that's a part of being neurodivergent, questioning if what I do is normal.

So you may have noticed me talking about some of my exes. C was the last girl I dated. I'm trying to stay friends with her but her current gf has it out for me and doesn't want her talking to me. Before her was a t4t relationship. I didn't officially date her but I did enjoy talking to her. Before her was S. I really fell hard for her and I realise now it's because she reminded me so much of A. Before S was M. So M has been harassing me lately and even creating fake Wattpad profiles and commenting on here. If you see the comments feel free to shut them down. I do these diaries for other trans girls and even allies. I get comments saying how much it helps and messages on other apps it's posted on. I have conversations and it's moving and powerful. I really won't let one person ruin it for others just because they are spiteful.

So did I shock you when I mentioned t4t? I'm attracted to femmes not what's between someone's legs. I'm actually on the ace/aro spectrum. It takes a lot for me to fall for someone or to even like them. Of course my history with A helps solidify my relationship with her and is why I'm so committed to her. Hell I would love to marry her some day and take her last name. For now I'm just fully committed to her and to being a good partner. She's not trans but has recently come out publicly as panromantic. Which you've gotta know I support 1000%. I honestly can't wait to go to our first pride festival together. Speaking of, have you gone to one yet? It's empowering, not only as a trans person but as an ace and as a person who identifies as a lesbian. I went to one the other day and it helped me to feel more pride in being trans. I once went stealth in being trans but now I'm not. I'm trying to show pride in it being a part of who I am and in being part of that community.
-Jane