Diary of a Trans Girl: The Revival Of The Diary

Saturday 26th of October 2024

I'm not an angry person. I have previously had anger issues before coming out as trans but I've never been defined as an angry person. I have a leash, it's not short but when too many things come together I just have enough. There's one tool altogether that just grinds my gears and I just want to knock some sense into them. Dealing with that idiot constantly weighs on me and builds up the frustration and I tend to get angry. Take away the stress of that fool and I'd have no problems.

Now hormones, particularly oestrogen subdued that anger and I felt calm all the time. Then, I lowered my dose because I have a heart defect and the tablets can damage it even further. Since then I've had bouts of anger build up over time. People being idiots, people being inconsiderate and people acting smug. That all gets to me and I have bouts of that temper rise (don't forget I have ptsd from a freaked up childhood and an abusive ex). Ptsd has what we call "red light" moments. These moments happen when our frustration and anger can't hold back anymore. This is when people with ptsd lash out in anger and can say things out of pure rage.

I would consider upping my hormones again but I don't want to risk my health. The idiots and tools aren't going anywhere and I can only tolerate them so much. I think I need to seek help and a re-evaluation of my mental health tablets. Something to dull the ptsd would be helpful. God, I don't know if I've ever even mentioned the nightmares and flashbacks I suffer from. The smallest things will trigger and memory and I'll find myself back in that memory facing the horrific things I've had to go through.

I might also just be tired and exhausted from having so many hypos lately. I'm certain that would make my leash shorter.

At any rate, I think I need to work out something new to do to deal with my stress building up into these angry outbursts. I was very much nearly at a red light earlier when my neighbours dogs ran into my front yard. These dogs are notorious for attacking people and killing small animals. I yelled at them to go home and when I saw the neighbour laughing at the situation I yelled at him to keep his dogs contained in his yard or I'd call the ranger. I suppose I have the right to be mad in that situation though, his dogs are constantly walking the streets and attacking people, my girlfriend was mauled only a few weeks ago and nearly needed stitches. I know other neighbours are mad and we live in a school zone so the responsible thing to do would be to call the ranger before a kid gets seriously hurt. But there's that unspoken rule of not causing drama with your neighbours in the back of everyone's heads.

For now, I think I'll focus on working out ways to de-stress myself and find a way to have my mental health re-evaluated.

-Jane